This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
I am not only speaking for myself in this piece. I am speaking on behalf of many of my well-respected colleagues with whom I have had cordial and fruitful discussions on this subject matter. Though my colleagues’ names will stay anonymous, I am proud to hold the title of the Amazon and DeVos Family Distinguished Chair in Mathematics. For more context, my endowment, one of the most prestigious, is jointly issued by the Amazon Corporation as well as the trust of Dave and Betsy DeVos, trusted names and sponsors of education across the nation.
To put it simply, I do not care about you or your class. To think that an institution’s priority is you, the student, is just as foolish as deluding yourself into thinking that a stripper loves you. My colleagues’ role in the institution is to act as a magnet for the green stuff, which our research and groundbreaking work provides. We are required to teach just so that people have a sense of fulfillment. Nevertheless, this requirement is minimal and discretionary. We are not obligated to dedicate our time and resources to ensure that some random teenager becomes the next Albert Einstein or Nobel Peace Prize winner.
As researchers and scholars roped into academia, we should be given a break. All that is required from teaching is to provide resources for students to learn. Yet, as all of us provide that, many students are still incompetent and unreasonable. It is not my fault the mean grade in an introductory calculus class is 40% — I already did everything I needed to help you learn the content. If you still fail to perform, it is on you.
These days, the entitlement that students and parents hold is nothing but outrageous. Emails at unreasonable hours pleading for a better grade, last-minute inquires for a test and asking questions explicitly listed on the syllabus —it is lazy. In my 37 years of teaching, I believe that computers and the rise of digital communication are the worst things to ever happen to higher education. I try to do a favor for the students by banning all technology and requiring everything to be handwritten. Nevertheless, students do not care. And it is not my job to care that they do not care about their own education.
I speak passionately about the rights and responsibilities of faculty. We are not tutors or your personal servant. So do not think that we care about you, because we do not. The academic recommendation letter that students always force us to write? I guarantee that the reply of “sure, I’d be glad to,” is undetectable sarcasm.
As much as I believe that it is important to help the future leaders of this world, it is not our job to hand everything to them. We found out everything ourselves, with our mentors and teachers playing a minimal role in providing resources. So next time you become frustrated and think, “Does this guy even care?” I assure you the answer is no. Why on earth would I care about you when I am already there, sitting in a room with Nobel Prize winners and world leaders presenting my own work?
