Uptown Affairs is a column for The Tulane Hullabaloo, addressing sex, hookup culture and all things dating. If you are a Tulane student, you can submit an anonymous story to be featured here. 

I messaged this guy on Hinge and asked him to get a drink. He said, “tbh i don’t drink much.” He’s hot and seemed normal. I hate to say it, but him being sober is such a turn-off because drinking is such a big part of my experience at Tulane. I don’t know if we would have a lot in common. I would get worried that either he wouldn’t want to join me on the weekends at darties, Fumps Friday, on the dance floor, at Bappy, etc, or that he would join and I would feel potentially judged or guilty if he wasn’t having a good time. Is it bad that I wouldn’t date a sober guy? 

– Xo, 

Sober-hater 

Dear Sober-hater,

Are you an alcoholic? I am joking — mostly. No judgment, I also need someone who will split a margarita pitcher with me. But before we write off Mr. Sober, let’s consider everything we really know. 

We are missing an important detail — is he actually sober? He said he doesn’t drink that much. Could he mean he will have a

drink every now and then? If blacking out at The Palms is not his style, who are we to judge him? Before you make your decision, consider: Is there someone in his life who has a tough relationship with alcohol, turning him off to it? Maybe he is an athlete, temporarily sober or focusing on school. Is he judgmental, or does he just have a reason? Let’s dig into your concerns one by one. 

1. He seemed hot and normal

Sober people can be hot! Shocking, I know. If you do not believe me, here are 23 male celebrities who have chosen sobriety, including Brad Pitt, Tom Holland and Zac Efron. Thank you, Men’s Health.  

All jokes and six-packs aside, let’s talk about what “normal” means at Tulane. If you are a regular at The Boot, F&M’s or fraternity parties, it makes sense that you would think it odd if someone is not keeping pace, drinking three times a week. 

Of undergraduate Tulane students, 60% drink on a “typical day,” based on the most recent available data. And, 21% are binge drinking weekly. So yes, at Tulane, sobriety stands out. It may not be a red flag, but when more than half of the people are drinking, it can feel like one. 

But in reality, your weekend bars are not the only places Tulane students are going in their free time. Doing homework, walking in Audubon Park or having a movie night are respectable weekend activities, as is going out sober — but more on that later. 

2. I don’t know if we would have a lot in common 

Is alcohol really your only interest? Tulane’s drinking culture is strong. Between pre-games, birthday parties and tailgating, there is always a reason to celebrate. Even so, I find it hard to believe you and Mr. Sober would not have more in common. Between music, sports, your classes, politics or exploring New Orleans, you surely have something to discuss. See if there is chemistry without alcohol on the first date. If there is a vibe there, then you can figure out the logistics later. 

3. I would feel judged for drinking

You are terrified of Mr. Sober’s judgment while prematurely deciding he is missing out on a good time. The irony. 

If you are transparent about your drinking habits and he still chooses to pursue you, that should speak for itself. I would feel it too — a creeping self-consciousness that, as I get tipsier, they stay sharp. Would I say something I could regret? But those are our own feelings projecting onto him. 

Let’s talk about the money thing, too. Dropping $30 on drinks adds up. Would he pay for your cocktails while nursing a Red Bull? That kind of financial imbalance may generate a weird dynamic. Drinking changes the power dynamic, rendering you vulnerable and uninhibited while Mr. Sober is not. There is a safety concern here; the sober person has control. Having someone sober to lean on could feel safe or threatening — it is hard to know unless you give it a try.

4. I would feel guilty if he wasn’t having a good time

Is your worry about compatibility or comfort? If you need him drunk to have fun and match your crazy, what does that say about what you are looking for in a relationship? Would you be unable to enjoy yourself knowing he was merely humoring you? Maybe there is a compromise zone. Mr. Sober may be fun and dynamic sober. Maybe you will feel seen rather than judged. You won’t know until you actually meet him. 

My advice: Give Mr. Sober a try. Drinking is common at Tulane, but not all there is to do in the city. Don’t cut off the opportunity to get to know him based on your own projected fears about his comfort and judgment before you’ve met him.