Uptown Affairs is a column for The Tulane Hullabaloo, addressing sex, hookup culture and all things dating. If you are a Tulane student, you can submit an anonymous story to be featured here. 

Please do not mistake my bed for your therapist’s couch.

We need to talk about a particularly strange kind of hookup: the guy who overshares when all you wanted was some fun. That’s right — the trauma dumper. It is time we learned the difference between sharing something vulnerable in a moment of genuine connection and mistaking our hookup buddies for therapists. 

A brief, vulnerable moment of sharing is exciting in a blossoming relationship — it can make you feel wanted and trusted. Emotional availability can be sexy. But when you barely know each other and you have made it clear you signed up for something physical, trauma dumping in bed is a yellow, if not a red, flag. 

Collectively, we have been wrongly conditioned to regard male emotional intimacy as shameful. That is a problem. But this is not an excuse to outsource emotional needs to every girl you hook up with. Do a vibe check — just because she is a woman does not mean she wants to be your emotional caretaker. 

Bizarre interactions like these, when a hookup features near-tears and spiraling thoughts about loneliness, are uncomfortable … for everyone involved. In the moment, the natural response to someone’s sadness is to show support and ask follow-up questions as a sign of engagement — especially if you genuinely like them. However, what starts as considerate comfort can quickly turn sour. 

Unless you are looking to take things to the next level, holding your hookup hostage in an emotional avalanche can produce a false sense of intimacy. 

To women in these situations, when trapped in this awkward liminal space, where stopping him feels cruel but continuing feels like you are betraying yourself, you may want out. Know you can interrupt, refrain from asking follow-up questions or redirect the conversation. You can care about someone and not want to be their therapist. 

Empathizing is more the emotional labor of a girlfriend, not a hook up. One moment you are the person he desires; the next, his emotional vessel. The switch-up can be abrupt and non-consensual. 

This is an example of how toxic masculinity manifests in hookup culture: not as machismo and chest-thumping, but as a subtle imposition of emotional incompetence. College guys have been told that opening up is attractive, yet haven’t learned when or how to do it appropriately. Opening up is not the same as emotional intelligence. One is a monologue, the other a skill.

To any straight men who may be guilty of this — the girl beside you in bed did not sign up to hold your unprocessed emotions. Also, are you okay? Work to process your complex feelings through other resources; add emotional depth to your friendships, consult a therapist or buy a journal and tend to your thoughts. 

Everyone deserves a partner who listens and cares — it just might not be your most recent sexual escapade. We need to remedy this trauma-dumping epidemic in hookup culture once and for all, because, honestly, some girls just want to have fun.