This article is entirely satirical. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

In a stunning move that has left the college athletics world equal parts confused and impressed, Tulane University has officially announced the addition of a Men’s Volleyball program, with one small caveat. No player on the roster may stand taller than 5’7″.

The decision to add volleyball also raised immediate eyebrows in the athletics department. Tulane still does not field a Division I men’s soccer team or a men’s golf program, sports where the Green Wave could conceivably compete. When pressed on why volleyball specifically, a spokesperson from the athletics department said, “This is a chance to make history.”

Recruiting is already underway, with the coaching staff dispatched to suburban New York, New Jersey, and Southern California — the bread and butter of Tulane’s applicant pool — where 5’5″ liberos with high GPAs are plentiful. 

Early commit Josh Feldstein of Westchester, New York, called Tulane’s pitch “very compelling,” adding that at 5’6″, this was “literally the only D1 offer on the table.” 

The 5’7″ height cap feels less like a limitation and more like a competitive advantage. For once, Tulane doesn’t have to out-recruit Alabama or Texas. This is a totally untapped market.

On the court, the team will face challenges. The average Division I men’s outside hitter stands around 6’4″. Tulane’s entire starting lineup will be eye-level with the net. The coaching staff remains optimistic, betting on “high-IQ volleyball,” which, given the academic profile of the roster, should come naturally.

The program is set to begin competition in Fall 2027, pending approval. Devlin Fieldhouse will add a net and maybe a step stool for serving practice. With volleyball coming into the fold, who knows what’s next? A gymnastics team? A squash program? At this rate, anything is possible, as long as you’re under 5’8″ and your parents live within 20 minutes of a Trader Joe’s.