Dear Leos, Geminis and all other assorted demons that may hatch from the stars above: 

Everyone has a sign of the zodiac that they just abhor. For me, it’s Geminis … and Leos, Scorpios and Aries … among others. Hardwired by the stars to torture me, these people have quirks that irk and peeves that make me seethe. Hear ye, hear ye, O signs that pisseth me off: These are my airings.

Some people say that birth is a lottery. In most cases, they’re probably right — except for you. All you Scorpios, the Slytherins of the zodiac, are notoriously manipulative to the max. (I’m looking at you, ex-boyfriend No. 6). I assume that you somehow wormed — or should I say “Scorped” — your way into the precise date range in order to best astrologically piss me off. I bet you and all the other fire signs were scheming in the womb to send your Mars-powered marching orders to conceive! And conceive now!

And Leos — oh, Leos. As you possess the winning combination of arrogance and self-centeredness, I will take the liberty, as is my civic duty, to take your near-exploding self-esteem down a notch. Though you were born under and are ruled by the sun, you are fortunately the center of only one universe. Adjust accordingly: Talk less and do less, for the sake of those of us who aren’t as theatrically-inclined. After all, we can’t all be king of the jungle.

Aries, you are a roller-coaster of (usually strong) emotions. The journey may seem to start off with a reasonable dose of fun, but suddenly everything’s upside down, you’re breathing fire, and I think now you’re trying to fight me? 

To Cancers: I feel like I’m Ryan Gosling in “The Notebook” when I’m with you … because there are so many tears that I want to shut you up in an old house during a thunderstorm.

Let’s not forget Geminis. Where to begin? First of all, you’re ruled by Mercury, whose retrograde literally ruined my life the past few weeks. Maybe the communicative mix-ups plaguing my life from the end of August to last Thursday resulted from my own poor time management and distaste for collaboration … But that seems unlikely. All the evidence points to the stars — notably, your finicky planet, targeting me and my otherwise perfect life. You must’ve teamed up with the fire signs to “Scorp” your way into being fundamentally awful. Look up the birthday of every person you’ve ever hated: They’re probably a Gemini.

And finally, you Aquarius-born lot: I having nothing against you. Justin Timberlake is an Aquarius, and honestly, who doesn’t love JT? I would cry me a river and drink you away if you weren’t the snazzy visionary we all know and love.  

You’re Zodiac-killin’ me,

Constellationally-Condescending Capricorn