FULLABALOO: Newcomb and Stern to be replaced with additional business schools

business schools

Josh Jessimen | Photography Editor

This dingy ol building will soon house Tulane’s most important students. It’s a bit of a fixer-upper but they’ll get all the business schools they deserve.

Early this semester, Tulane opened the Goldring/Woldenberg Business Complex. The high-tech business center has been met with overwhelmingly positive reviews from business students and the lowerborn students who have been allowed to enter.

Now, Tulane has announced an exciting new plan to continue adding to the business school by demolishing Stern and Newcomb. This series of supplementary business schools is part of a broader plan to make Tulane’s campus as audacious as possible.

According to business school students, this expansion is long overdue. In recent months, they have noticed an influx of “plebes” who have taken up valuable space in their $35 million lobby.

“There are just way too many students from other schools taking up space in GW,” several finance majors said in unison. “These new buildings will help alleviate congestion and will finally give business school students the espresso bars and private gyms we deserve.”

The espresso bars and gyms referenced above will be featured in the brand new Jordan Belfort Center, a four-story compound planned to replace Stern. The JBC will feature state-of-the-art technology, a sauna and several reserved spaces for business students to snort adderall before their exams.

In place of Newcomb, Tulane will be adding a series of indoor relaxation spaces for when business students “really just can’t today,” and need to lounge in one of the many spas which will replace Tulane’s foreign language departments.

Until further notice, science and liberal arts classes will be relocated to whichever quads aren’t under construction at the time. In the event quads fill up, professors are encouraged to teach their classes in the streets surrounding Tulane.

“The Tulane experience is about connecting with the incredible city around us,” Andy Luegner, Tulane’s vice president of audaciousness and relatability, said. “I think this is going to be an incredible opportunity for science and liberal arts students. By taking classes out of the classroom, they are really going to experience New Orleans first hand, every day.”

To the surprise of many business students, liberal arts students like Kathleen O’Brien have voiced discontent at these new plans. Like many liberal arts students, O’Brien has developed a photosensitivity disorder after spending several semesters in Newcomb’s sunless classrooms and can no longer tolerate prolonged exposure to sunlight.

“Having class outside could literally kill me now,” said O’Brien, who took out a massive loan to come here. “It would be great if we could have class in a building.”

Rumors have circulated that science students are also upset about these new plans, but none have felt comfortable enough speaking out loud to be interviewed for this article.

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