This article is for The Fullabaloo, The Hullabaloo’s satirical April Fool’s issue. The information and interviews below are completely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Yo, what’s up guys. So I was reading a previous issue of The Hullabaloo, and it was like, making me think or whatever, but while I was reading it, my boy Greg Burley called me, and he was like, “Yo, me and Kyle Renfro and some of the other dudes from the Delta House are gonna be headed to the Boot later, but first we’re gonna smoke at the house, but we’re out of papers, so could you like, pick up some papers?” And I was like “Yeah dude, I’ll totally pick up some papers if Kyle smokes me out,” and Kyle was like “Sure dude,” so I picked up some papers and went to the Delta House, and we smoked for a while, and then Kyle was like, “Yo, weren’t we supposed to go to the Boot?” and I was like “Yeah, but it’s like, kind of early dude,” and then Kyle was like, “Yo Johnson stop being a bitch,” and I was like “Fine dude whatever” since he’s like, friends with my Big and shit.

So I get to The Boot with Renfro and my boy Burley, and Renfro was like, kind of being a douche, but I didn’t really care because I kind of just wanted to get messed up, because it was like, Wednesday happy, you know. And Renfro and my boy Burley go into The Boot and say they’re gonna get some Boot Bombs, but like, I didn’t really want one, because I was drinking my Pabst Blue Ribbon, and I just had like, a good vibe going on, and I just didn’t wanna mess with that vibe, because I’m just like, a good vibes, good vibes kind of dude. So I was just sitting outside and drinking my PBR waiting for my boy Greg to come back out, and then I was like, I kind of want some pizza, and since I can get pizza like, right there, I was like “Alright dude, like, why not, you know?” And so I get in line to get some Boot Pizza, and then I see this chick in line in front of me, and I was like, like, I was like, oh my god dude, right? Like woah.

Okay, so this girl was like, so, you know how like, some girls, so like Brie Larson is like, she’s cute, but she’s not hot, and then like, like, Scarlett Johansson, you like, you see that and you’re like “Yeah dude, I’d hit that,” but she’s like, and yeah. But this girl was like, she was hot and cute, like, like, no, like Gal Gadot, but like, hotter? And she was like, she had like, yeah dude, you know what I’m talking about. And so I was like “Hey, what’s up?” and she was like “Hiii,” you know, like that way girls talk? So hot.

And so I was like talking to her about some stuff, like how my boy Burley and I are trying to start a podcast about like, cartoons from the ‘90s, like “Rocket Power,” and she was saying some stuff too, but I don’t really remember all of it because I’d been hitting Renfro’s blunt earlier and I was like, like I was kind of messed up, but then Renfro shows up, and like, I’m not trying to say Renfro cockblocked me on purpose or anything, but he was like, “Yo Johnson, we’re sitting over there dude,” and I was like “Yeah, just a minute Renfro,” and he was like “No dude, you’ve gotta come over here because Bradley is about to show us some vape tricks,” and I was like “Oh yeah,” and then I left. But like, I really wanted to talk to that girl some more, and she’d been like, letting me hit her JUUL, which was pretty chill of her, and I accidentally took her JUUL with me when I left to watch George do vape tricks, so like, I wanted to give it back.

And I wanted to send like, I guess, this open letter to like see if it reaches her, because maybe she reads The Hullabaloo, because I think she was like, a Comm major, or maybe it was psychology or like, public health, I don’t remember. Anyway, so if anybody believes in like, the power of true love or fate or whatever, please help me find this girl. I think her name was Sarah, but also, like, maybe not. Also she’s from Westchester, and she’s in a sorority but like, I don’t remember which one, and she was wearing Birkenstocks but not like, new Birkenstocks, like, they were kind of vintage, so I guess she’s like, artsy or whatever. And like, to end this, I just wanted to see like, Sarah (or not, I’m not sure), if you read this, I’ve been hitting your JUUL for the past couple of days, so like, sorry I guess.