Spooky specters and spirits meet their match in the wide world of sports

Harrison Simon, Staff Reporter

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   Ah, Halloween. A time of scary costumes, horror movies, and plenty of parties at Tulane. We all have our favorite scary movie characters, don’t we? But have you ever imagined them out on the Yulman Stadium gridiron? Or in the Reily Student Recreation Center pool playing water polo? If you have, then my job is done. But if not, take a look at what sports your favorite spooky stars might play.

Czars Trinidad | Senior Staff Artist

Frankenstein’s Monster: Football

     First things first, let’s set the record straight: Frankenstein is the doctor who created the monster. Now that that’s out of the way, we can get down to business. Despite his lack of coordination, Frankenstein’s monster is an absolute tank. This guy is huge and has an unrelenting will to go toe-to-toe with the nastiest defenders in the NFL. Frankenstein’s monster could make some big bucks on the O-line protecting the quarterback’s blindside, but he reminds me more of Rob Gronkowski. He can block when needed, but send him downfield and wish the players guarding him good luck. They’re gonna need it. To the house!

The Abominable Snowman: Ice Hockey

     I mean, he lives in snow, right? This hulking menace strikes fear into the hearts of everyone who’s seen him in the movies and opposing goalies. The Abominable Snowman is the textbook definition of a goon. He can score with his mighty slap shot, but his biggest threat is as an enforcer. Don’t mess with any of his teammates, because if you do, he’ll drop the gloves, then he’ll drop you. Score: Abominable Snowman 1, you 0.

Slenderman: Tennis

     One of, in my opinion, the best horror figures in terms of scaring the crap out of me. This guy straight up gives me the heebie-jeebies, thanks in no small part to his blank face and downright creepy demeanor. But don’t count out his talents out on the tennis courts. Just like he can track you down on a late night, he can track down any balls served at him. And with those lanky arms and legs, he can cover the entire court like it’s nothing and send back some vicious backhand winners.

Edward Scissorhands: Soccer

     What else is he gonna play? Having scissors as hands looks cool, but it’s not exactly the most practical thing in the world. Plus, who’s gonna wanna go near a guy with a bunch of scissors sticking out of his hands? Just gonna have to avoid throw-ins, and he might not be the best goalkeeper in the world.

Jason Voorhees: Hockey Goalie

     Speaking of goalies, this “Friday the 13th” star already has the mask, so why not throw him between the pipes? He can pounce on loose pucks around the net, although he’ll have to get used to having a stick instead of a chainsaw. If you score on him, keep the puck; it won’t happen often.

Mike Myers: Power Walking

     Yes, I know. While it’s not your traditional definition of a sport, it’s actually in the Olympics, so we’ll count it. No matter how fast anybody runs away from this guy, he’s always right behind you, and he never breaks a sweat! This guy’s power walking abilities are pretty crazy, just like his obsession to kill. I see a gold medal in his future. 

Bonus: Hannibal Lecter: Chess Boxing

     Ok, I’m really stretching my definition of what is and isn’t a sport on this one, but Anthony Hopkins’ performance as Dr. Lecter in “The Silence of the Lambs” is simply too good not to mention. A trained forensic psychiatrist and cannibalistic serial killer, Dr. Lecter’s mental tenacity is unmatched. Just watching him talk with other characters creeps me out — yeah, he’s that good. I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who could go blow for blow with this guy in the ultimate test of mental and physical will. Just hope he doesn’t eat you afterwards.