Stay in on the action and scratch your gambling itch without professional sports

Ezra Weber, Sports Editor

So you’re a week and a half into quarantine and your bookie has stopped responding to your desperate texts? For the last time, he will not give you a line on the two kids playing roller hockey outside your front window, and shouldn’t they be practicing social distancing anyways? Don’t you miss the good old days when he’d be hounding you for losing big on that random Horizon League basketball game? 

You really miss the attention, but more importantly you miss the wide, wide world of sports. It didn’t matter what it was, you gambled on it, but with professional and collegiate leagues shutting their doors faster than you can call the over, it seems as if you are out of luck. 

With nothing better to do than scour the web for the next big bet, The Hullabaloo has got you covered. We’ve saved you the time and energy and found your next big hot streak. Tell all your friends because you’ve got a sure thing!

You’ve got nothing to do but stare out your window, and you’re getting pretty damn good at predicting the rain. It’s almost as if you can feel it in your corns. Well, now you can use your trusty weather rock to capitalize on your boredom. Sportsbooks are now allowing users to gamble on the weather. So, take advantage of the unseasonably warm temperature and turn it into your next big hot streak. 

As college basketball fans suffer in pain from bracket withdrawal syndrome and March just doesn’t seem nearly “mad” enough, Barstool Sports may have the cure for your unquenchable desire to see a 14 seed upset a 3 seed. Stop watching ESPN highlights, and get out your pen and paper. 

Barstool has created a bracket to decide the best sit-down chain restaurant in America featuring heavyweight one seeds Chili’s, The Cheesecake Factory, Texas Roadhouse and Capital Grille. Could Rainforest Cafe, a 15 seed, pull off the biggest Cinderella story in March history? Let your friends and colleagues know there’s a new March Madness office pool in town.

If you’re interested in betting on a real heavyweight slugfest consider throwing a little bit of dough on the presidential election. Turn the debate stage into an octagon and watch Biden, Sanders and Trump duke it out. Oddsshark and other gambling sites have long offered betting odds on presidential races, and with no sports to bet on, this looks like the next best thing. 

But, if you really, truly, desperately need to bet on sports, you will be able to find sanctuary in the loving arms of the Belarusian Premier League. Despite every other professional soccer league in Europe shuttering their stadiums due to Coronavirus fears, Belarus’ Premier League plays on. If you’re willing to work with the eight-hour time difference, you might want to consider loading up on apparel for these hilariously named teams like Dinamo Minsk, Torpedo-BelAZ Zhodino, or Belshina Bobruisk. With games scheduled for April 3 and 4, you better freshen up on your knowledge of Belarusian soccer in time for kickoff. 

While we wait patiently for the return of “real” sports, let your bookie know that you’ve found someone else to fill that emotional void he left and you’ll always remember your time with him fondly. Let him know that you’re better off without him anyways and he should’ve treated you better all along. And don’t go crawling back when baseball season finally starts. You’re better than that.