After much deliberation among the Tulane administration, President Mike Fitts unilaterally decided to move ahead with plans to reopen the student hearth of Tulane, City Diner. 

Students were met with disbelief and shock when City Diner was closed in 2019. City Diner was a safe haven for those late-night students who wanted to get some food in the Lavin-Bernick Center for University Life. City Diner was replaced by the Rathskeller Lounge in 2019 and was intended to be used as a multipurpose programming space.

According to information from anonymous sources, Fitts was initially using the Rathskeller Lounge as a construction site in his attempts to achieve immortality. 

“I saw him down there one day, and I overheard him talking about how construction plans were his only way of becoming immortal,” one Tulane student said. “I couldn’t believe it. He kept talking about how being university president wasn’t enough. He kept chanting ‘Roll Wave, Roll Wave, Roll Wave’ like it was some kind of incantation. I’m convinced he wants to conquer the entire world.”

However, internal pressure from many Tulane students forced the university to close Rathskeller Lounge and commit to creating an updated City Diner. Mike Strecker, executive director of public relations, disputed claims about Fitts wanting to achieve immortality.

“City Diner will create those late-night, drunken experiences that many Tulane students cannot seem to remember,” Strecker said. “My understanding is Mike Fitts is already immortal, so I’m not sure why he would be trying to become immortal.”

Many plans for the updated City Diner have not been made public yet, but there will be numerous changes.

According to construction plans, there will now be a hologram of Fitts screaming ‘Roll Wave’ at students as they enter. The Fullabaloo is unaware of the purpose it serves, but the administration has made it abundantly clear that this will be included.

“Students will be greeted with Mike Fitts screaming ‘Roll Wave’ as they walk through the door,” LBC Director Heather Seaman said. “We’re having issues with the system because it keeps repeating ‘Welcome to my lair, you are doomed,’ but we are working on fixing that.”

Among other new updates to City Diner, there will now be a pressure wash station to rinse off your drunk friend or roommate. 

“We understand many drunk students come to City Diner, so we wanted to provide them with all the necessary equipment to clean each other off in a less-than-safe way,” Strecker said.

Logistically, this poses a challenge, but Seaman reaffirmed Strecker’s sentiments about the necessity of a pressure wash station.

“We were originally going to include a car wash, but we thought that wouldn’t make sense. We decided on an industrial-grade pressure washer to hose down students and clean them,” Seaman said.

An undisputed aspect of City Diner was the range and quality of food options offered. The Tulane administration took this into consideration when designing new food options for City Diner lovers.

“We know students loved the oversized pancake, so we thought selling a regular-sized pancake would be a great idea,” Strecker said. “It’s pretty genius when we thought about it. We will also be selling whole turkeys, and students have the option of purchasing the turkey baster as well. Students also have the option of buying the grease the chicken tenders are fried in. We really just want our students to have the most unhealthy food possible while drunk.”

City Diner is slated to open in fall 2021.