FULLABALOO: Tulane researchers discover bizarre new organism

Jack Bright, Ethical Scientist

This article is entirely satire. All information below is fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Cole Farrah

It has been roughly one month since the evacuation of Percival Stern Hall. Following what is believed to be a biological contamination on the fourth floor of the building, the building has been quarantined until it can be properly cleaned. Those who have been exposed to the contaminants are currently hospitalized and being treated for symptoms of endocrine disruption. More recent developments, however, have revealed something entirely unprecedented.

Upon arrival at the fourth floor of Percival Stern Hall, Tulane personnel discovered a strange network of filaments along the walls, floor and ceiling of the building. While their origin is unknown, they have been identified as biological in nature.

In a press release by Tulane faculty, it was revealed that the university will work with an external organization to manage the aftermath of the outbreak. Known solely as the “Janus Foundation,” no representatives from the association have stepped forward to elaborate on what they will be doing on campus.

As of now, no public records have been found for the Janus Foundation — however, recent developments offer insight into their intentions. Thanks to an anonymous whistleblower of unknown affiliation, an official document from within the organization has been leaked to the public. Click here to view the full report. The full report can be found on the Fullabaloo’s website.

Tracking the growth patterns of the organism to a small room within Percival Stern Hall, decontamination personnel discovered a large opening in the wall from which the filaments originated — currently designated as Point Zero. Upon lowering a camera inside, the decontamination team was met with a faint image of a forest-like environment — the origin and nature of which are unknown.

An expedition team has been gathered to investigate what lies beyond Point Zero within the next few days. Stay tuned for more details.

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