FULLABALOO: Troy Bolton flips basketball commitment from Cal to Tulane

Mr. Brightside, Sportsball Editor

Troy Bolton, in a shocking move, has flipped from Cal to Tulane. (Nathan Rich)

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Highly rated basketball star Troy Bolton has flipped his commitment from the University of California, Berkeley to Tulane University. With the departure of the electric star point guard Jalen Cook, Tulane head coach Ron Hunter is looking for his next star and hopes to build around Bolton. 

Bolton was team captain of the East High School Wildcats in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Coached by his father Jack, Bolton led the Wildcats to two straight state championships including a dramatic halftime comeback against the West High Schools Knights in the state championship his senior year in front of an electric East High crowd.

“I am so excited for Bolton’s commitment to Tulane,” Hunter said. “We hope to give him the keys to the offense. He has all the intangibles and is addicted to winning, and we are sure he will lead the Green Wave back to glory!”

Bolton’s electric highlight tape shows several skills that are transferable to the collegiate level. Bolton is a capable scorer who can consistently knock down mid-range shots over defenders. He also shows good off-ball movement and is able to find soft spots in the defense. These traits, as well as his movie star looks, make him an attractive player.

However, there are major concerns about Bolton as a prospect. While athletic, Bolton is incredibly undersized at just 5’8” and 165 pounds. Also, his basketball IQ leaves much to be desired. Against the West Knights, Bolton was willing to take mid-range shots over double teams. While he made them, this inefficient shot will be difficult to replicate at the collegiate level. 

On the final play of the game, Bolton made a controversial personnel decision by putting in bench warmer Jimmie “Rocket Man” Zara. Bolton passed up on a tough, but makeable, layup to make an athletic diving pass to Zara, who proceeded to make the game winner. Again, while this play worked for the Wildcats, Bolton will need to learn under Hunter’s system.

There are also major character concerns with Bolton, which includes sportsmanship issues and his commitment to basketball. There were times where he seemed distracted by auditioning for the high school musical. Bolton also kept singing during the middle of games, even bizarrely singing a duet with his girlfriend during a timeout in one game. 

The worst offense was after winning the state championship his junior year. Bolton and the Wildcats did not form a handshake line but instead got the whole school to start singing. This was after several members of the basketball team admitted to sabotaging the lights in the arena to delay the game so Bolton could complete his audition for the high school musical. Many players in the visiting locker room felt taunted by the song while they were consoling their loss. The opposing coach said that the psychological damage committed by Bolton and the Wildcats is “incomprehensible and disgusting,” but the New Mexico High School Athletic Association did not find enough cause to strip the title.

Bolton denied to comment on this but did speak about transferring to Tulane. “I am so excited to join my new Green Wave family. This is such a beautiful place, and I just want to remind everyone here: we’re all in this together!

Leave a Comment