Nathan Rich

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

During Sex Week, students showed up in droves at the Tulane University Campus Programming table on McAlister for free giveaways of condoms, sex toys, accessories and reproductive safety information. College students were eager to take goody bags and share pictures with friends, especially on anonymous social media platforms like Fizz. Students write jokes and repost relatable memes on the platform, which promotes the most popular content. 

What started as an innocent gag quickly revealed a cause for alarm. After a viral video on the anonymous social media platform, data confirm that Tulane men simply cannot identify the clitoris. 

Many interviews over the last week revealed how shockingly far off Tulane men are from finding the clitoris. Senior Shmacob Shmurray says he “dated [his] ex-girlfriend for two years before she had her first orgasm, and now she almost exclusively dates women.” A junior student admitted he “hadn’t ever considered he could be having sex incorrectly because she told me it felt good.” 

Contrastingly, the interviews conducted showed that lesbian relationships reportedly have higher levels of sexual satisfaction than heterosexual couples. Senior Cindy Cummingham says, “My girlfriend was the first person to give me an orgasm after I was sexually active with men for three years. I thought something was wrong with me; but it wasn’t me, it was them.”

TUCP committed to answering anonymous sex-related questions submitted by students over the week. An astonishing number of submissions asked for a diagram labeling the clitoris or wanted to know if “there was a quizlet” that would help identify the organ. One question, submitted 30 times in increasingly panicked tones, asked whether his girlfriend was in fact a gooner. 

It’s so often joked about that we forget the issue this is truly highlighting. A lot of sexual relationships between men and women revolve around the man’s pleasure and orgasm and discount a woman’s sexual frustration. Whereas, when a man is sexually frustrated, he is adamant about making it the woman’s job to solve. This should be considered as a true public health emergency; straight women cannot be plagued by these amateurs much longer.

So, how can we help? We don’t. It’s not that hard to find the clit.