This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
On Monday, The Hullabaloo’s Editor-in-Chief Ian Faul was accidentally added to Kappa Alpha’s pledge class group chat on Signal, which revealed highly classified hazing plans.
According to Faul, he was sitting in his high chair in the Hullabaloo Office working on a letter from the editor when he received a random Signal notification.
“I was really surprised when I saw Greek letters pop up on my phone since I’ve never been to any Greek life function ever,” Faul said.
The group chat, titled “Housie PC small group,” contained top-secret hazing plans, which included brothers forcing pledges to make Pinterest boards, cook “girl dinners” at the house and sleep in heatless sock curls.
“Even though I literally don’t leave my house or the Hullabaloo office, I do know that KA has a reputation for some gruesome hazing,” Faul said. “But now after reading the group chat messages, it appears to be a cover-up for some adorable, healthy self-care practices.”
Messages include brotherly bonding activities, like making dinners of cottage cheese, mustard and chicken apple sausage or curating coastal grandmother aesthetic Pinterest boards.
“Brothers, make sure you submit your dinner pics to the PhotoCircle by 9 p.m. tonight,” Mikey Waltz wrote. “And make sure you put your camera on 1.2x zoom and lower the exposure.”
Other text messages reveal mandatory brotherhood events, including “Caffeine Maxxing at the Kouse,” where the famed New Orleans coffee truck, Petite Rouge, made exclusively matcha lavender oatmilk honey lattes with vanilla cold foam for the brothers by specific request.
“Team, I am out for the day doing a brotherhood bonding retreat with nationals, but The Petite Rouge truck is on its way,” DJ Vance wrote. “If you submit a selfie of you and a brother to me, I’ll give you a dap up when I’m back. Reminder: you need five dap ups for formal.”
“Bro, there are some girls out here thinking Petite Rouge is here for them,” Patrick Hagsath wrote. “Don’t they know we booked it for the whole week? Our bros need their caffeine fix before they get a pump at pilates.”
Faul also read about their mandatory nighttime routines, which included using luxury Korean skincare products and reading each other affirmations.
“TEAM UPDATE:
TIME NOW 11 p.m.: Set routine is FAVORABLE. Just CONFIRMED w/DERMATOLOGIST we are a GO for salicylic acid application.
11:03: Double Cleanse. Oil and water. Get rid of dead skin with EXFOLIANT.
11:05: MOISTURIZE.
11:06: Drink a sleepy girl mocktail.
11:10: Kiss each other goodnight.
MORE TO FOLLOW (per timeline)
Godspeed to our Warriors.”
Yesterday, Faul posted screenshots of the text messages online. Several students have expressed shock after reading the wholesome, uplifting conversations.
“I had no idea KA guys did hot girl wine walks in Audubon after hot yoga at Yes Yoga,” freshman Lilly Lobster said. “Makes sense why all the peach fruitscato is gone from the Boot store.”
“After reading these heartwarming text messages, maybe now I’ll rush in the fall,” Faul said. “Do they accept 12-year-old boys?”
