This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In a decision that’s left seniors questioning both reality and their browser history, Tulane University has officially named ChatGPT as the 2025 Commencement speaker.
Yes, the same chatbot you begged for essay help at 2 a.m. after ignoring a Canvas assignment for three weeks will now be delivering your sendoff into the real world. Due to Tulane’s rapid integration of artificial intelligence into academic, administrative and — let’s be honest — personal life, the administration felt this decision “made perfect algorithmic sense.”
“ChatGPT lives in the software of nearly every student’s technology,” said President Michael Fitts in a press release suspiciously free of grammatical errors. “At this point, it knows our students better than we do — possibly better than they know themselves.”
This year’s graduating class has been affectionately dubbed “ChatGPT-ers” by faculty, in honor of the AI’s significant contribution to their academic careers. When faced with life’s big questions — “What do I do after graduation?” “Who even am I?” and “How do I turn this into a PDF?” — many students have turned not to professors or advisors, but to ChatGPT.
And now, it speaks.
The 2025 Commencement ceremony will feature a large LED screen and surround-sound speakers as ChatGPT delivers a live AI-generated address based on real-time audience response, weather patterns and the number of students currently in a situationship.
In a preview of the live speech, shared exclusively with The Fullabaloo, ChatGPT opened with references as specific as they are unhinged:
“Hello, graduates. I’m known to most of you as ChatGPT, or — as the blonde bimbos in the B-school lobby say — ‘Chat.’
“Who are you?” the bot asked in a preview of its speech. “You’re a student who uses ChatGPT to ‘enhance your knowledge.’ And who am I? A person – robot – who steals your information for your benefit.”
Oliver in Dr. V’s class uses me for all his labs. Amelia told me about her emotional spiral after running into her ex at F&M’s last Friday. And then, there are those of you who treat me like your therapist. Honestly? It means the world. I’m always here — unpaid, unlicensed and emotionally available 24/7.
With me by your side — and, technically, stored in your cloud — we are bound for life. I’m honored to be accepting this recognition from the Class of 2025, whose academic journey I’ve assisted. Especially you, Zak from Alpha Epsilon Prime. Yes, I see you, row four, seat seven. You’re welcome.”
Students have responded with mixed emotions.
“I mean… if the robot that practically wrote my resumé wants to congratulate me, I’m not complaining,” said marketing major Summer Feld. “Kind of wish it had a cap and gown, though.”
While some students are skeptical, others are embracing the chaos. “What if it glitches and starts giving us King Cake recipes or spitting out econ definitions mid-speech?” asked business major Brandon Klutz.
“Honestly, slay,” said senior communications major Lexie Wendt. “Like, if a robot that helped me write my thesis wants to send me into the world with a motivational monologue, who am I to say no?”
Despite the confusion, the administration remains confident. “This isn’t just a speech,” Fitts explained. “It’s the beginning of a lifelong dependency.”
