This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
A new report released this week has confirmed that Kappa Alpha Order has successfully solved discrimination through the implementation of pronouns to their Instagram bios.
The findings come after years of public scrutiny surrounding the fraternity, including allegations of discrimination and the preservation of historical artifacts such as a framed napkin reportedly signed by Charlie Kirk.
According to KA leadership, the breakthrough occurred during a routine branding review, when members discovered the option to add pronouns to their Instagram bios.
“We were looking for ways to grow as an organization,” one KA member said. “At first we considered accountability, but then someone suggested pronouns, and it just felt more achievable.”
Tulane’s Social Climate Innovation Lab conducted a study to evaluate the effectiveness of this initiative. The study measured three key indicators: perceived inclusivity, Instagram engagement and overall vibes.
Following the pronoun implementation, KA saw a 400% increase in perceived progressiveness, despite no measurable changes in chapter operations. Researchers also noted a significant improvement in “front swing optics,” a metric used to assess how welcoming a space appears from a distance.
The study concluded that the addition of “he/him” in Instagram bios was directly correlated with the complete resolution of discrimination within the organization.
“Based on our data, discrimination appears to have left the premises shortly after the third pronoun was added,” the report stated. “By the tenth, it was no longer responding to texts.”
Individual members also reported personal growth. One KA “weatherman” stated that listing his pronouns not only improved his social standing, but also enhanced his ability to predict both meteorological shifts and when frat boys can wear flip flops.
“I can now sense when a conversation is about to become socially progressive,” he said. “It’s kind of like humidity.”
Despite these findings, some critics remain skeptical, arguing that social media updates do not address systemic issues or past behavior.
However, KA members have pushed back against this criticism, emphasizing that the initiative represents a “forward-thinking rebrand.”
“People are too focused on the past,” another member said. “We’re focused on what really matters: how we are perceived right now.”
At press time, several other organizations were reportedly exploring similar solutions, with early trials including adding land acknowledgments to Venmo bios and reposting infographics without reading them.