This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In what has now been tagged as the most unthinkable story leading up to the NFL Draft, it has come out that Tulane University’s Jake Retzlaff and former Tulane quarterback Darian Mensah were engaged in amorous activity after the Tulane-Duke game in Uptown this past year.
It all started in the offseason when Retzlaff arrived on campus. Because he came late, Retzlaff had to stay late to learn the new offense within a short period of time. Coaches became concerned when he would not leave the facility.
According to staff members, Retzlaff only watched plays with Mensah under center. He would zoom in on Mensah’s backside, which staff members thought was odd, considering Mensah only wore very tight pants.
“Retzlaff’s behavior in the film room became increasingly difficult to explain,” said one staffer. “At one point, he rewound the same three-play sequence so many times that the system flagged it as suspicious activity.”
The showdown arrived, and Retzlaff got the better of Mensah. But, according to ESPN reporter Wudson Hilliams, their interactions didn’t stop there.
“After the final whistle, things reportedly became ‘non-standard,’” Hilliams said. “Both quarterbacks were seen as the last to leave the stadium at 1 a.m., and Mensah’s teammates said that he was not on the bus back to their hotel.”
What came out later was even more shocking. Mensah reportedly walked into Tulane’s locker room when it was only Retzlaff left. Mensah still had access to Tulane facilities, as he never got rid of his Splash Card after transferring.
Witnesses described the event as “tense,” and the remixed version of “All the Things She Said” by Harrison was also heard in the locker room.
One witness recalls Mensah saying, “So this is what you’ve been up to with my old offense” as the beat dropped in the song. Retzlaff allegedly acknowledged with a smirk and kept watching. Minutes later, he said, “I think you missed a read here,” as if they had been talking for weeks. Rumors are now swirling, as the witnesses left the locker room before the quarterbacks.
We are currently waiting on Duke’s beat reporters for more. Updates will be posted as they are reported.