Uptown Affairs is a column for The Tulane Hullabaloo, addressing sex, hookup culture and all things dating. If you are a Tulane student, you can submit an anonymous story to be featured here.
I have always been a dating cliché-hater — and yet I recently found myself tempted to deliver a line that so many despise: “Now’s just not the right time.” It’s hated for a reason; it stings, feels cheap and lands as careless.
When on the receiving end of a line like this, overanalyzing feels like the only sane option. If they didn’t want anything serious, why did they invest time in getting to know you? Why did they drag you along if they knew how it would end?
You may feel hopeful that there is a chance for love sometime in the future when things are different. As The Atlantic has explored, second-chance couples often carry a certain romantic appeal.
And then, there’s the scarier thought: Is it me? Would it be the right time if it were someone else?
When faced with this familiar predicament, I realized I was the one cooling things off, blaming timing. I genuinely believed it wasn’t about them; we enjoyed each other’s company, but we didn’t want the same things.
He wanted commitment, and I did not. Even though we made our intentions clear early on, the further things went, the more I could sense he was trying to change my mind. I finally understood what it was like to be on the flip side of the situationship trope, to have the power.
Why is it that the person who is less invested steers the future of the relationship? It seems counterintuitive.
In an episode of “Sex and the City,” Miranda explains the Taxi Cab Theory to her possé. Men are like taxis — when they are ready to settle down, their light goes on, and the next person who gets in is the one they commit to.
When considering building a life with someone, marriage, kids and the merging of assets, the Taxi Cab Theory holds weight. When you are ready, you are ready. And when you are not, you are not.
Although marriage is not in the near future for most of my peers, Miranda’s theory poses an interesting question: Is commitment about timing or compatibility?
The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that epic love stories, like Lilly and Ethan’s, where you move across the world to be with someone, are the blueprint. Ideally, compatibility should trump timing. But there is something to be said about not being ready or interested in commitment, and the potential harm of betraying your instincts.
There is an unnerving power dynamic when you care for someone, but cannot give them what they want.
If you seek commitment and choose to invest in someone who doesn’t want the same, you have to take some responsibility for the mishap. However, it isn’t fair to deny yourself a chance to see where things could go, either. What if they end up surprising you?
The Taxi Cab theory offers an oversimplification for why someone may or may not be ready to commit. It is enticing to justify someone not wanting to be with you in the name of emotional unavailability. Sometimes people are truly emotionally unavailable and too preoccupied to get seriously involved — and it has nothing to do with you.
That said, you might be better off holding out for someone more compatible, who is willing to rearrange their life for you if needed, rather than forcing something out of convenience.