This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.  

Ashtin, it’s been 319 days since you graduated summa cum mog and things simply aren’t the same. You made Tulane relevant… You made us relevant. 

When I used to tell people that I go to Tulane, their first question would always be: “Do you know Ashtin Earle?” I would tell them that we met at one of your meet and greets in the LBC mezzanine. But now, no one asks me any questions at all. We’ve lost our “it girl” factor. 

No, seriously, I really miss being in the back of your DIMLs while walking to my 9 a.m. A-quad class. Those five seconds of fame were some of the best moments of my life. And really, Mardi Gras wasn’t the same without your outfit inspo videos. Did you hear about those recent studies indicating there’s been a sharp decline in fast fashion purchases at Tulane since your departure? I’m kind of wondering what people wore.

It’s been somewhat depressing, to be honest. We had to resort to Tana Mongeau for the spring comedy show since we couldn’t afford Alix… do you think you could ask her to come back for us? We don’t have any brand deals to offer at the moment, though I’m sure we can figure something out! Maybe an acne-alleviating PJs latte?

Oh and if you ever visit us again, you should check out the Turkish Vogue photoshoot shrine we have on the fourth floor of Howie T. There was a small movement to restore the Latin American Library, but don’t worry — we’ve made sure to preserve the cultural history that matters.

How’s post-grad by the way? Tulane has great career services and an extensive alumni network if Instagram stops working out, so don’t worry! Not sure if you get those emails anymore, but they recently added a 4+1 track in The History of Micro-Infuencing. Honestly, Asthin, all of this is to say… please, come back. We miss you. In fact, we need you.