FULLABALOO: Venmo serves as modern solution to modern problems

Grace Yang and Hannah Erbrick

This article is for The Fullabaloo, The Hullabaloo’s satirical April Fool’s issue. The information and interviews below are completely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

It’s Friday afternoon. Jess skipped class to pick out what she’s going to wear to the Zeta Beta Tomato party tonight. The theme is “blackout,” and Jess already has her super original outfit planned out: cropped black tank with her denim skirt. Hell yeah. Jess goes into her closet in search for the laundry detergent that her mom packed for her, only to realize that she is out of Tide PODS.

‘“This is so tragic,” Jess said. Quick to grab her phone, she sent out a Tide PODS bat signal.

Elsewhere in Sharp….

Zoe looks down at her phone to see an incoming message from Jess in their dorm group chat. It reads: “Anyone have a tide pod?! It’s urgent. I’ll Venmo.”

Being the generous neighbor she is, Zoe responds “Yeah, I have one. Come to 312.”

Thirteen minutes later…

Zoe hears a knock on her door. She opens her door and and sees spray-tanned legs in Golden Goose Superstar sneakers at her doorstep.

“Oh my god thank you so much you’re a lifesaver, how much do you want me to Venmo you?” Jess asks, breathless.

“You don’t need to Venmo me. It’s just a Tide POD,” Zoe responds.

Jess looks puzzled but leaves and does her laundry. That night, she hooks up with a Tomato brother. Not just a pledge, either. This one is a full brother. Score!

The next day….

Zoe looks down at her phone again and sees an incoming GroupMe message from Zach B. from Sharp 4: “Hey does anyone have a vacuum I can borrow? I’ll Venmo u.” She lends Zach the vacuum but refuses reimbursement.

Monday night….

Zoe is studying hard. She has an exam coming up in Mythology, which she thought would be way easier than it is. She takes a study break to check her phone.

“Does anyone have a spoon? I’ll Venmo.”

Zoe, ever the friendly neighbor, responds in the affirmative. Brianna shows up to claim the spoon four minutes later.

“How much do you want for it?” Brianna asks.

“It’s just a plastic spoon,” Zoe responds.

“So, like, $5?”

Zoe realizes that Brianna has no idea how much a spoon costs. She waves away the Venmo offer and continues studying. Brianna goes back to her room and enjoys a pint of Halo Top ice cream. It’s not as good as regular ice cream, but it’s close enough.

Tuesday night….

Zoe just got in the shower. The middle shower to be specific, the only shower out of the three that has good water pressure and temperature-control. One minute into her shower she hears a wail.

“Does anyone have a makeup wipe???? I’LL VENMOOOOOO!!” An unknown voice says.

“Why do these kids always want to venmo for the most mundane things?” Zoe wonders to herself. A Tide POD, a spoon, a makeup wipe? They’re literally worthless.

“Pleassseeee!!!! I’ll pay anything!” The voice wails.

Wait a minute, Zoe realizes. Their whole lives, money has been able to solve every problem. Naturally, they assume that everything is a transaction. Huh. Who would’ve thought?

After Zoe gets out of the shower, she gives the voice’s owner a makeup wipe.

“But before you offer, you don’t need to Venmo me,” Zoe says. “Not everything is transactional. Letting someone borrow something is just a friendly thing to do.”

Venmo rates fell 28 percent that week in Sharp as students spread the word that sometimes people were just nice. Rates rebounded the next week when The Boot Store ran out of JUULpods.

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