The Tulane Hullabaloo

FULLABALOO: Tulane researchers make groundbreaking discovery that supports Flat Earth theory

Reginald Rogers, Senior Staff Reporter

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Czars Trinidad | Senior Staff Artist

This article is for The Fullabaloo, The Hullabaloo’s satirical April Fool’s issue. The information and interviews below are completely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

A team of Tulane researchers made a galaxy-shattering revelation this past week, one that may finally lead to evidence supporting the flat earth theory. This breakthrough could potentially change the way people today view the world and, as a result, force many scientists to question everything they think they know.  

Building upon experiments previously conducted by flat earthers such as bringing measuring levels onto an airplane to find the curve the team came up with a radical, new interpretation of the theory. According to Sue Dunham, lead researcher and professor of earth and environmental studies, the earth is actually a cube. Dunham said she believes our planet is composed of not one, but a total of six, flat surfaces.

While Dunham commends amateur scientists within the flat earth community, she acknowledges the flaws inherent in their findings. The main argument posed by non-believers against flat-earthers involves the planet’s water retention. One solution to this issue is the proposal of a massive barrier of ice encircling the “planetary sheet.” Dunham said, however, that the most widely criticized theories have one thing in common.

“My initial goal was to validate the prevailing theories formed by other truth-seekers like myself,” Dunham said. “But as I began to dig deeper into the existing research, I realized that nobody was taking into account a phenomenon that we in the science world call gravity. Basically, it’s what people think keeps all the water attached to the Earth. And once I incorporated that, everything came together.”

But if the Earth is actually cube-shaped, how has no one noticed the edges and corners? Classic government sleight of hand, according to Dunham.

“My hypothesis is that the atmosphere contains tiny, undetectable particles that are harmless to the environment but bend light in such a way that the edges and vertices of the planet appear curved,” Dunham said. “[The particles] were most likely placed there by the world’s governments to keep us ignorant.”

Students in Dunham’s lab, which include graduates and undergraduates from a wide range of scientific disciplines, were instructed in the use of highly sophisticated viewing instruments their eyes to observe the horizon and found that it was a perfect 180 degree angle. Joe King, a doctoral student in geology, said that he was inspired by Dunham’s constant pursuit of the truth in the face of adversity.

“Dr. Dunham is a brilliant scientist,” King said. “Being a part of her lab has allowed me to test my passion and dedication for knowledge. It’s given me a chance to be part of something greater than myself. I think the research we’re doing will one day usher humankind into a brand new Age of Enlightenment.”

Dunham shared her own inspiration behind her lifelong goal of being the first person to discover undeniable scientific proof that the earth is flat.

“Growing up, I was curious about everything,” Dunham said. “But in school, I often found myself questioning the concepts I was being taught. The idea that our planet was just a giant spinning ball … I just couldn’t believe it. I thought that it couldn’t be right. It was absurd. All of my senses told me the earth must be flat. It was then that I decided to become a scientist and find out the truth for myself.”

Dunham’s proposal and outspoken belief in a geocentric model of the universe has brought much attention to herself and Tulane University. Though many individuals in the scientific community have dismissed her hypothesis as “complete and utter bullshit,” others have begun to question the nature, and indeed, the shape of the ground on which they walk.

“At first, I was skeptical,” Richard Peabody, an astrophysicist who peer reviewed Dunham’s study, said. “And now, I don’t know what to believe anymore. Sue Dunham has opened my mind to a world of possibilities. Is evolution even real? Was the Moon landing faked? If so, what else has NASA been lying about?”

Dunham has since received wider recognition as well as significant support from members of the Flat Earth Society, who have started a GoFundMe account that will finance an expedition to Mount Everest, where Dunham hopes to find the proof she has spent her whole life searching for.  

“It’s truly amazing how many people today are choosing not to accept the lies that society tells to them to believe,” Dunham said. “It’s so exciting. Because of the overwhelming support we’ve received, my team will be traveling to the very top of the world. There we should be close enough to the dome to take a picture of the Great Fire Turtle as it swims across the sky.”

If everything goes according to plan, Dunham says this could be the discovery of the century and maybe even lead to a Nobel Prize. The world will just have to wait and see.

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Student newspaper serving Tulane University, Uptown New Orleans
FULLABALOO: Tulane researchers make groundbreaking discovery that supports Flat Earth theory