FULLABALOO | BREAKING: Drew Brees enrolls at Tulane


Cecilia Hammond

Brees will have his very on student ID.

Harrison Simon, CSO (Chief Shenanigans Officer)

After announcing his retirement from the NFL last week, former San Diego Chargers and New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees has been keeping himself busy. Between mountain biking, bass fishing and surfing, he’s been doing everything he can to fill the void left by a lifelong passion for football. Now, Tulane students will get a more up-close and personal look at the surefire Hall of Famer with Brees set to enroll at Tulane.

Brees is ecstatic about his enrollment. “Purdue, where I went to undergrad, has a reputation of being super boring and honestly, that’s not far off,” Brees said. “I’m not saying Tulane is the most exciting university in the word, but like. It’s not in Indiana. So.”

Unfortunately for Brees, he will be unable to live the Tulane experience in the dorms next year, as the housing application deadline passed while he was still tenured with the Saints. Brees expressed disappointment at the news. Of his 10,800 square foot house that he lives in with his wife of 17 years, Brittany, and his four children, Brees said “It’s no Phirby.”

Brees, who will surely be the oldest student on campus, is planning on double majoring in engineering physics and gender studies. The engineering physics major stems from desires to study his own scientific precision on the football field, as he has the highest completion percentage in NFL history. Gender studies, according to Brees, is more complicated than that. 

As far as whether or not Brees will rush a fraternity, that question is still up in the air. “I was a Sig Chi at Purdue, but my 12-year-old says he’s heard they’re ‘huge simps,’ so I’m not sure about all that,” Brees said. “My priority here is just to be able to experience as much of the city as possible.” When The Fullabaloo pointed out that Brees has lived in New Orleans since he left the Chargers in ‘06, Brees feigned deafness. 

Brees will have plenty to look forward to the rest of this semester and into the next academic year. Assuming COVID-19 regulations are lifted in the fall, Brees plans to check all the boxes off of his student bucket list. “I’ll definitely check out some football games at Yulman [Stadium], and of course, I’ll be the life of the party at all the tailgates,” Brees said. “I have a lot of leftover energy from giving up football, and I’m planning on channeling it all into cornhole.”

Brees also expressed interest in attending Voodoo Festival with his peers.

“I mean, yeah, I’ll attend anything the Dave Matthews Band is playing at,” Brees said. When The Fullabaloo informed Brees that the Dave Matthews Band would not, in fact, be playing Voodoo, Brees grew agitated. “Well f*** that, I guess. I’ll go see Phoebe Bridgers with everyone else.”

So if you see Brees on campus, even though he’s a legendary athlete and public figure, don’t be afraid to show him the ropes of campus. If you’re lucky, he might even give you a free lecture or show you his Super Bowl ring, or whatever.

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