FULLABALOO | Tulane reinstates ‘Victory Bell’ because it’s ‘not that racist’

Ringa F. Bell, White Person In Training

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Maggie Pasterz

Two years ago, Tulane University’s “Victory Bell” was taken down due to its ties with slavery, and a special committee was tasked with deciding what would now occupy that spot. Earlier this week the committee finally presented their decision: the “Victory Bell” was to return.

President Mike Fitts’ email yesterday outlined the support that this decision received from the Tulane community.

The predominately white student body felt more empowered with the presence of the bell than without it. This lack of empowerment for white students and staff could not be tolerated any longer, and the reinstatement of the bell will be marked as a reestablishment of the rightful social hierarchy at Tulane.

Tulane has also seen a decline in donations since the removal of the “Victory Bell.” Since most of its donors are in fact white and right-wing, they have been complaining about the liberal turn that Tulane has taken in these past years. 

The return of the bell hopes to increase these donations so that the university can fund extremely important and severely underfunded student programs like football.

When asked about their thoughts on the “Victory Bell,” a Tulane student said, “It’s only a bell, how racist can it be?” This student’s sentiment depicts the intellect held by students of the university. They are able to identify that inanimate objects do not have the executive function required in order to choose to be racist, among other things.

However, this decision has naturally received backlash from the minority populations at Tulane because of its history with a plantation. 

To appease the BIPOC community, Tulane has come up with a plan.

While the bell will be making its comeback, the tongue of the bell will be replaced by a statue of Martin Luther King Jr.

This will ensure that the bell shall not be seen as racist or oppressive because then, by extension, one would be calling Martin Luther King Jr. racist and oppressive as well, and such a thing simply cannot happen.

The bell is to be reinstalled during the weekend before the commencement of the class of 2022 on May 21 so that no more Tulanians shall graduate without the sounding of the “Victory Bell.”