FULLABALOO: Ways to be #reallycool in college

Marie Snobson, the WOAT

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

DISCLAIMER: This will only work if you are conventionally attractive, have money or are friends with the already popular kids. Ideally, you would be all three, but if you have a lot of one of these things that can work too. 

  1. If you are rich, make sure to flaunt it in any way imaginable. Wear only designer brands. They don’t have to be actually stylish — in fact, they will probably be ugly and cheugy. But, wear it anyway. The people NEED to see how much money you have because that is a true reflection of your character! Talk about your (parents’) money, and all the vacations you went on, especially the trip to Africa where you felt soooo thankful for all you have. Talk about your houses in the Hamptons, in Vail, in Florida, and oh — the quaint little penthouse on the Upper East Side. You probably evacuated from the hurricane on your private plane to your elderly, immunocompromised grandparents’ house in Florida. 
  2. If you aren’t grossly rich, you won’t be really cool. Sorry.
  3. Skip classes to hang out with friends. You NEED as much social time as possible so that you can boost your social status. Skipping a class or two a day is more than fine. Especially if the classes are on A-quad; who in their right mind treks past the Stern PJs? Your parents won’t know. And, you can just make an excuse and say you will get the notes from someone! But you never will get those notes, will you? No. And you will push the guilt of your parents paying tens of thousands of dollars for your education away because popularity is more important! 
  4. Don’t treat your professors with respect. They don’t deserve it, especially after daring to assign a quiz the Friday after your date party that you’ve been planning for WEEKS to black out at. Also, the times that you do go to class, don’t do any work. And make it REALLY obvious that you’re not paying attention. Daydream about Boot Happy, also known as “BAPPY.” Extra points if you accidentally play sound on your computer in the middle of the lecture. EXTRA EXTRA points if you are slightly late to class every day, with a cup of PJs Peach Palmer in your hand. 
  5. DO NOT treat everyone kindly. This shows weakness. Why would you talk to people outside your social circle? Do you not want to be popular? Obviously, that will drag you down. The only exception is for group projects. Or if you need someone to do something for you. 
  6. Make sure that when you go out, you are the center of attention. This may mean you get way too drunk at every party, but people will know who you are! You may throw up in a few Ubers on the way to Tipitina’s, but Daddy’s credit card will cover it. It won’t cover the liver damage, though! Bonus points if you go home with the most popular person there. They will tell you they are single, but that will be a lie. You don’t care. 
  7. If you are a part of Greek life, only associate with those also in Greek life or those your fraternity or sorority mixes with. What would anyone else contribute to your life? You don’t have time or space in your life for new friends like this. 
  8. If you receive compliments, only answer by saying, “I know.” Why would you try to deny a compliment? Don’t thank them either. Most importantly, do NOT compliment them back. 
  9. Talk [expletive] about people you don’t like. Popular kids openly [expletive] talk, and they don’t care who hears it. Why should they? They are cooler and better than them, right? Bonus points if you spread rumors on Fizz. BONUS BONUS points if you spread rumors and then deny them afterward. 
  10. After you have accomplished your goal of becoming popular, wallow in your repressed self-hatred for a few more years, then off to the real world!

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