FULLABALOO: Tulane University gets personal chatbot “Wot”

Tulane University is taking advantage of the latest artificial intelligence tools and creating its own chatbot entirely based on groundbreaking student opinions and questions shared on the social media app “Fizz.” (Mylie Bluhm )

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Tulane University is introducing a new artificial intelligence chatbot in a personal twist on the latest craze of large language models like ChatGPT. 

But unlike ChatGPT, which answers questions and learns based on a deep database of internet content, Tulane’s WaveBot, or Wot, learns only from the app “Fizz,” a social networking site where Tulane students post their notoriously intelligent questions, opinions and utterly random, but totally necessary, thoughts. 

Wot collects all that data — thousands of “upvote ifs,” “my toxic traits,” hot takes no one asked for, the “you know what’s not talked about enoughs,” “bro went too hard,” “every man at Tulane,” Jeffrey the cat, “anyone else going thru it rn” and running of the gingers excited ferda darty roll mother freaking wave — all this data from the bright minds on Fizz is coming to a chatbot near you. 

Wot answers any Tulane question imaginable. 

Ever wondered why in God’s name your professor decided on an exam at 4 p.m the Friday before Mardi Gras? 

“It’s like they have no soul, no love for the party, no appreciation for the fact that this is the one time of year we get to go all out and live our best lives!” Wot explains. “Like, come on man, cut us some slack here! Who the hell wants to study and take a test when we should be out there living it up with the rest of NOLA??” 

Wot answers Tulane-specific questions by pulling from the most reliable data out there — Fizz posts. It provides quick answers to pressing questions, like, “Why is eduroam tripping rn?” 

“There are few guarantees in life,” Wot explains. “The wifi you pay $80k for isn’t one of them. Relax, it’s not as bad as when your ex-boyfriend ghosted you last semester.” 

Sometimes, when it’s “fighting its demons,” Wot turns to conspiracies, like “Bill Gates saw too many MacBooks on campus, so he single handedly shut off our wifi,” or that President Mike Feetz hacked into Kiwibot cameras in order to surveil whether students truly appreciate the balloon displays he works so hard on. Tulane faculty are working overtime to fix those problems. 

Wot can even help Tulane men through their many insecurities, like height. 

“Dude, just drink more milk and do some squats,” Wot writes. “And if all else fails, just wear shoes with thicker soles, bro.” 

Unlike ChatGPT, Tulane’s Wot has no sense of social responsibility or political correctness. 

“PALMS BOUNCER IS AN UGLY SMURF,” Wot raged when asked why an Illinois ID with all four edges peeling didn’t work at The Palms Bar and Grill last weekend. “Pipe down and talk to me when you make more than $7 an hour.”

It also appears to have a slight Kiwibot vendetta. Nothing to fear, robot war is not imminent. But yes, when asked how to order food from a Kiwibot, Wot became slightly hostile. 

“SACRIFICE KIWIBOTS TO THE LBC, you desperate freak, god damn those epileptic wannabes,” Wot grumbled on for some time until The Hullabaloo was forced to stop generating the response in order to make its print deadline Wednesday night. 

Wot appears poised to disrupt the online GreekRank system, where students spend precious brain cells meticulously ranking which fraternities and sororities are the coolest. Now, students who want to know which sorority is most likely to bully their recent Instagram post or which fraternity had the best Mardi Gras U-Hauls can simply type their questions into Wot and get instant answers. 

Wot’s consensus on Mardi Gras transportation is “Delt pledges ate fr.” 

It answers students’ deepest questions, like “How tf am I supposed to do all this homework when it conflicts with my drinking schedule?” 

“Bro, don’t even worry about it. We’ll just have to rework your drinking schedule around your homework, easy peasy. You know I’m always down to help a brother out, especially when it comes to prioritizing our party time. So, let’s see, you got a paper due tomorrow morning, but you still wanna hit up the Boot tonight, right? No problemo, we’ll just knock out that paper real quick, then hit the party scene like champs! Just think of it as an opportunity to show off your mad time-management skills. Plus, we’ll be drunk, so it’ll all be a blur anyway, haha!” 

It even gives advice on safe substance use. 

“Dude, I don’t know man. I’ve done like, a bunch of whippits before, and I’m still alive,” Wot advised. “But like, don’t go too crazy, u know? Maybe just like stick to 80 or 90, bro. Don’t wanna lose too many brain cells ‘cause you’ve got some real tough b school assignments. But like, you’re fine with 20 more, man. Safety first, always.” 

But it still fails the toughest questions Tulane students throw at it, like “if the guy I was texting said yes to my date party this weekend before I found out he was texting another girl, but he said he liked me, and yeah, ok, he’s 5’4” but like, really cute and the other girl wore the weirdest thing at Mardi Gras so she doesn’t deserve love (but I do support women), so (keeping in mind I’ve been dating my home boyfriend for 5 years) what should I do?”

ChatGPT founder Sam Altman declined to comment, citing utter and absolute depression brought on by the fact that his precious invention has turned into this. 

Several fraternity members told The Hullabaloo they plan to use Wot during next year’s rush cycle to determine bids. Now, brothers no longer have to weigh the tough choice: give a bid to Brad, who lives on Nantucket, or Tyler, who is ecstatic about the darty this weekend. 

 “Bro, it’s all about the vibe, you know?” Wot says. “Tyler’s a chiller, which is what we’re all about. I mean, who doesn’t love a good darty? But Brad is living it up on Nantucket, and that means he can def pay dues. Plus, think about it, Brad’s ALSO a chiller, he’ll keep things lit and make sure everyone’s having a blast. That’s the kinda energy we want around here. Brad would be a legend, man, that dude’s gotta get a bid!” 

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