FULLABALOO: Impossible Foods sole caterer for Crawfest 2023

Manny Mudbug, Absolutely Human Reporter

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Shivani Bondada

In a last-minute press conference held at Tulane University’s Yulman Stadium, Carl the Crawfish announced that Crawfest 2023 will be the first Crawfest that is entirely crawfish-free. All food at Crawfest will instead be catered by Impossible Foods, a company known for their plant-based alternatives to meat products.

“This is a huge step forward for Crawfest, and we can’t wait to deepen our connection with Impossible Foods. Thanks to our newest, most generous sponsor, Crawfest 2023 will be able to replace all crawfish with Impossible alternatives,” said Carl, who was now green and wearing an Impossible Foods branded polo.

Carl the Crawfish was last seen being chased by multiple Tulane students, who were armed with torches, cookware and various ingredients needed for a crawfish boil. Former crawfest director Brett Franklin appeared to be leading the crowd. Crawfest leadership declined to comment on Carl’s sudden disappearance at this time. 

“What we can say,” a Crawfest representative said, “is that Cory the Crawdad will be the new, lovable face of Crawfest going forward.”

Leslie Sims, the marketing chair of Impossible Foods, expressed great pride in sponsoring one of the largest student-run events in the nation. “Of course we’re happy with the sponsorship deal, this is Crawfest! Can you imagine if we lost our sponsorship war with Beyond Meats? They’d call it something stupid like Beyond Crawfest. Don’t even get me started on their taglines, they’d be awful. Marketing disaster for both parties.” 

Peter McGuinness, Impossible Foods’ CEO, said he was beyond excited about attending Crawfest 2023 in person. In an email to The Hullabaloo, McGuinness wrote: “With these home-grown crawfish alternatives, we’ll make sure Crawfest 2023 is impossibly good.” Below, McGuinness attached a photo of himself smiling and pointing finger guns at the camera.

Crawfest 2023 will be hosted April 22, 2023 at Tulane University.

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