This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

However, these crime reports may or may not be inspired by real happenings near Tulane University’s campus. 

The Tulane Fullabaloo receives daily TOP SECRET police reports from Tulane University Police. Here are the most dangerous and frightening crime events from this school year. 

Sept. 17, 2023: Upon arrival, the officer met with the reporting person who advised that while walking at the exterior of Josephine Louise House, she was hit in the head by an unknown falling object. Preliminary reports suggest the object may have been a coconut or rotisserie chicken dropped from an above room. R/P complained of continued head pain.

Oct. 21, 2023: Officers responded to a subject brandishing a knife. The officer utilized his three years at tae-kwon-do school and kicked the knife out of the subject’s hand. The subject stated they needed a knife to fight vampires. “I pissed one off the other day,” the subject said. “He’s been after me ever since.”  The subject was detained and transported to the hospital for psychological evaluation and to care for his unrelated bat bites.

Nov. 1, 2023: Officers were dispatched to the listed location relative to a student falling off their scooter. Officers responded and found the student crying and on the phone with mommy. TEMS was notified and arrived on scene.

Nov. 14, 2023: Officers were dispatched to a complaint about horseplaying with boxing gloves. It was reported that a Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity member retaliated after being called “a little [expletive].” Case forwarded to NOPD. 

Nov. 15, 2023: Officers were dispatched to the listed location in reference to an unknown male entering their dorm room and urinating on the floor and clothes. Officers identified the subject as Joey the Bachelor. Joey confessed to the crime and said he was drinking to cover his pain over missing Daisy.

Dec. 7, 2023: Officer was dispatched to the listed location in reference to a student who was struck by a Tulane Shuttle van. The student stated she was crossing the crosswalk when the vehicle failed to stop. The van driver subsequently accused the student of walking in front of her van at the last minute to get hit on purpose and sue the driver. The student called billboard-famous Morris Bart to the scene. “We plan to sue for a million,” Bart said.

Dec. 21, 2023: Student learned his American Airlines account was missing 35,000 rewards miles. The student stated he disputed the transaction with American Airlines customer service. The student expressed that he would call his father who was “an important lawyer” if this issue was not resolved. 

Jan. 17, 2024: The resident told the RA that he was concerned that his roommate possessed a small saw-like object. The roommate who owned the saw said he planned to use the saw for “woodworking” but winked at officers who arrived on the scene. The student handed his saw to the RA, who took possession until further notice.

Jan. 20, 2024: Officer spoke with the reporting person who stated that she had done her laundry and when it was finished she found a small rock had been placed in the dryer with her clothes. Officer checked CCTV footage but was unable to determine if this was an accident or criminal in nature. The reporting person indicated that they would like to press charges. 

Feb. 4, 2024: Student reported accidentally cutting her leg while shaving. TUPD arrived and provided a band-aid and a kiss. 

Feb. 9, 2024: The student stated he and his roommate got into a verbal argument over a “lightsaber” toy. The student stated the did not want to stay in his room without the removal of the “dangerous weapon.” 

Feb. 9, 2024: Officers received information regarding a miniature horse at the location. Officers arrived on scene and spoke with the fraternity president and confirmed a live horse had been on site earlier in the day but had since been removed. The fraternity president explained that the horse’s name was Chad and he is an official member of the fraternity. 

March 6, 2024: A green vegetable-like substance was confiscated and bagged as property and dropped in the Diboll drop box. When officers arrived on the scene, they felt it necessary to smoke the vegetable-like substance to confirm it was, in fact, marijuana. 

March 9, 2024: Officer was dispatched to the listed location in reference to a student who was stuck by a safety pin. TEMS was notified and arrived on scene. CPR performed. 

March 10, 2024: An officer was dispatched to the listed location in reference to a student who had consumed Benadryl and marijuana. TEMS was notified and arrived on the scene. Student refused medical transport. The student expressed that it was “the best high of their life” and that they would “totally do it again.”

March 20, 2024: A female was getting out of her vehicle and accidentally sprayed herself with pepper spray from a canister on her keyring. Officers collected the small, pink, bedazzled canister as evidence.