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Student newspaper serving Tulane University, Uptown New Orleans

The Tulane Hullabaloo

Student newspaper serving Tulane University, Uptown New Orleans

The Tulane Hullabaloo

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FULLABALOO: Tulane glass blowing to allow creation of bongs in studio

Shivani Bondada

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

In a reversal of the illustrious program’s long standing rule, the Newcomb Art Department has approved the creation of bongs in the Pace-Wilson Glass Studio.

Last week, faculty and staff voted to strike down the dated rule against bongs in their program guide. According to the now obsolete 2017 version of the Tulane University Student Glass Handbook, students were prohibited from “making drug paraphernalia” in the hot shop. The broad terminology of the ban meant that pipes were off-limits, not just bongs.

Students are celebrating this landmark decision. Junior Boof McCartney recalled the sleepless night he spent crafting a geeb in lieu of a bong. “It was disrespectful on behalf of the department, to be quite frank,” McCartney said. “I felt like a second-class citizen, being forced to resort to stoner age technology. Finally, we’re free.” 

Indeed, the scent of independence lingers around campus — as well as a skunky smell. When I asked freshman Kel Varnsen what he plans to do in celebration of the rule change, he replied, “Rip some chops in my new bong, what do you think?”

There have already been talks within the art department regarding courses that cater specifically to weed-related works. Among the proposed classes, those that concern ceramic ashtrays and photography suitable for your plug’s Snapchat story advertising modest deals have received the most attention. There have even been discussions to add a painting course that just teaches you how to paint Pickle Rick onto a bong.

This rebrand has extended to the once-dormant food delivery service SexyCakes. Now, the company acts as a late-night option for those looking to pack their newly-minted Tulane bongs. Their most popular drop-off location has been the architecture department tents on Newcomb Quad. The once neglected shelters have proven to be the perfect spot to hotbox throughout the day.

Yet, despite the buzz surrounding the reefer renaissance has aroused concerns from coastal conservationists. Reports have emerged from the Mississippi Gulf Coast that Tulane students have been grabbing buckets of sand from the beaches to convert into glass back in the studio, artificially eroding the natural landscape.

In unrelated news, Provisions on the Thirtieth Parallel ran out of food in just one day. “This is a green wave if I’ve ever seen one,” said one Provisions employee.

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