This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In a groundbreaking and terrifying discovery, the Tulane University School of Science and Engineering has unveiled a new hybrid disease: a terrifying combination of the notorious frat flu and sexually transmitted diseases. The illness, which has been dubbed the “FF-STD,” was discovered during an exhaustive study into the hidden world of Greek life — a realm known for its drunken debauchery, questionable hygiene and an impressive collection of red solo cups.
“We thought we had seen it all,” John Doctor, head of the department of frat sciences, said. “But this, this is a whole new beast. It’s not just a flu. It’s not just an STD. It’s both. Together. In one unholy union.”
For the uninitiated, the frat flu has plagued campuses across the nation, often emerging in the aftermath of the infamous “social event” that promises free beer, loud music and an alarmingly high risk of exposure to airborne pathogens. Meanwhile, STDs — often exchanged like party favors at Greek houses — have remained a common, albeit less shocking, part of campus life. But the FF-STD is something different. It’s the monstrous offspring of these two highly contagious conditions, and it’s here to ruin your weekend.
“Symptoms include fever, chills, uncontrollable urges to party and an overwhelming desire to text your ex,” explained Doctor Doctor, a lead researcher on the project. “In advanced stages, the victim may also experience rapid onset of STD-related rashes, an inability to remember their last 12 decisions and a strong inclination to ‘just grab another shot.’”
Doctor Doctor, who has two doctoral degrees in frat sciences, continued: “the FF-STD was discovered during a joint research project with my colleague, White-Coat McGee, who is a leading expert in both alcohol-induced amnesia and questionable hygiene. We first identified the disease in the ABC House, where the brothers were performing their regular experiment of how many beers can be shotgunned in under 30 seconds. Unfortunately, it was not until after the 17th keg that we noticed the telltale signs of FF-STD.”
The disease spreads in much the same way as any good frat party behavior: through close quarters, physical contact and copious amounts of bodily fluids. However, experts agree the FF-STD might actually be transmitted via high-fives, hugs and shared nachos. “It’s so contagious, even looking at a Red Bull might get you sick,” McGee lamented, adjusting his white lab coat, which, let’s be honest, looked more like a toga than anything else.
While the new disease is alarming, there is no need to panic — unless, of course, you’re within 100 feet of any of the aforementioned brothers. “We’re already working on a cure,” Doctor Doctor said. “It’s a simple three-step process: avoid Greek Life, drink responsibly and sanitize everything.”
Experts are urging students everywhere to take precautions, such as always carrying hand sanitizer and avoiding any party where the phrase “Dude, it’s just a shot, what’s the worst that could happen?” is uttered. Additionally, it is recommended to steer clear of any social gathering where people are wearing Greek letters, beer pong tables are involved and the word “pledge” is casually tossed around like a frisbee.
As the FF-STD continues to spread, one thing is certain: The Greek Life ecosystem is not only hazardous to your liver but now, apparently, your health as well. But, as Doctor Doctor put it, “At least we’re making science cool again.”
