This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

It has never been easier to lose brain cells and get jacked at Tulane University.  

Quick Eats and the Mushroom have begun selling whippets loaded with protein powder under the brand name “Gas Gains,” which have basically flown off the shelves. The product appears to be specially marketed towards the Tulane student community, as the Green Wave logo also appears on the packaging.  

Each canister contains 15 grams of whey protein, but “take one hit and you won’t care anymore. Protein’s protein,” a brand representative from the seller BODY FORTRESS POWER ENERGY INC said.  

Product variants include “Vanilla Mass,” “Raspberry Bulk” and a caffeine-infused one simply labeled “RAAHHH!!” 

Marketing materials describe Gas Gains as “the future of nutrition,” claiming that inhalation allows protein to “bypass the digestive system and go straight to wherever protein goes.”  

Gas Gains also claimed that a clinical study found a 300% increase in muscle definition after 3 weeks of inhalation, with minimal side effects to the “heart, lungs, kidneys, spleen, nervous system and viscera.” 

Interviewed students reported using Gas Gains as a pre-pre-workout, before their usual routine of seven scoops of dry protein powder and blasting “Beast Mode” at full volume.  

“Bro it’s lowkey revolutionized Mardi for me,” said one sophomore, who asked to remain anonymous because his parents read the Fullabaloo. “Gas Gains dropping was almost as big an event as when poppers went half off at Broadway Liquor.” 

BODY FORTRESS POWER ENERGY INC announced plans to expand its lineup to include creatine-infused air, a melatonin version for midterms week and a limited-edition crawfish-flavored release to better reflect the local New Orleans culture.