This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In what Loyola University theologians are calling, “long overdue,” the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, smote the Boot Bar and Grill on Maple Street Sunday night, raining down holy fire and brimstone upon thine palace of sin.
Witnesses say a thunderclap shook the Broadway area as clouds parted to reveal a beam of divine light. The building was reduced to a smoldering pile of beer and shame. Partygoers rejoiced, however, as the floors remained sticky.
“I’m not even upset. I’m just tired. Do you know what it’s like to be omniscient in there on a Saturday night? I do. I always have,” the Almighty said in a statement delivered via burning bead tree.
“I weathered the Black Plague. I endured the fall of Rome. I lived through post-Brees Saints. But when I looked and saw a 19-year-old from Connecticut using a fake to buy his fourth natty light, while standing on a substance no mortal or divine could ever classify, I knew the time had come,” He added.
The smiting was reportedly triggered by a specific sequence of events: a male (derogative) Business major mansplaining his Kalshi bets on the war in Iran, a New Yorker asking a Nola native why they are staying in Nola over the summer and a Phi Delt pledge crying in the corner booth.
“Look, do I think the Boot deserved to exist? No,” said Chloe Vanderbilt-Schlossberg, a Marketing graduate from New Jersey. She estimates she spent her “formative, if medically inadvisable,” years at the Boot. “But it was our hellhole, you know? You can’t just smite that.”
Several Tulane freshmen were seen outside the ruins, visibly uncertain where to go now, clutching their wristbands tight.
At a brief press conference held at the Loyola University Chick-fil-a, God’s spokesperson, Strichael Mecker, fielded questions from the press. When asked whether smiting was proportionate, Mecker replied, “We here in Heaven work our hardest for each and every blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
When asked if He had any message for displaced Boot patrons, God responded directly, saying, “Bruno’s. All My devoted worshipers in lifted trucks with Confederate flags and cowboy hats, despite being from the city, have been right all along.”
When asked if Cooter Brown’s was next, Mecker responded, “no comment,” though witnesses reported a distant rumbling in the direction of Carrollton.
City officials say the lot will be rezoned with early proposals including a mental health clinic (with a sticky floor), community garden (with a sticky floor), or a bar that is essentially the same as the Boot, but with slightly better lighting (and a sticky floor). The last proposal is considered the front runner.
Meanwhile, Tulane’s administration released a statement expressing, “profound sadness,” at the loss, while quietly hoping the event improves freshman retention while not hurting admission numbers.