This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In a controversial move announced Monday morning, Tulane University revealed that its annual New Orleans Book Festival will be officially rebranded as “TwerkFest,” citing declining student engagement and a need to “reimagine literary consumption through physical expression.”
The announcement follows what administrators described as a “comprehensive internal review” of Book Fest attendance, which found that over 78% of students referred to it as “BouseFest” and thought the past headliners attracted a “chopped audience.”
Students are no longer interacting with literature in traditional ways, much less if no Kappa baddies pull up to the func. TwerkFest would bridge the gap between intellectualism and movement, lowkey fostering a sort of embodied literacy.
According to university officials, panels featuring acclaimed authors will be replaced with honorary Khia Asylum affiliates such as Bebe Rexha and Sam Smith, accompanied by moderators like Rita Ora and other patients, where students will be encouraged to interpret classic works of literature through “interactive, movement-based learning experiences.”
In place of book signings, attendees will now receive printed excerpts of classic works — but they must earn them through whiplash, sweat and back pain.
“The harder you shake ahh, the more advanced the text,” said event coordinator, 8th Grade Star. “You start with, like, middle school reading level, but if you’re really putting in the work, suddenly you’re getting passages from Moby-Dick. It’s pretty opinions-based, awarded by our top twerkers.”
Students have already begun preparing.
“I used to go to Book Fest for, like, ten mins max,” sophomore Ana Thique said. “Now I’m fading my weekend plans. This is what Tulane should’ve been doing.”
Honestly? This is fr the most refreshing academic development in forever. You could be mid-twerk and suddenly catch a line from The Great Gassby. It’s about being present, truly.
We have to meet students where they’re at, and where they’re at is statistically, shaking ass.
So, when you attend TwerkFest next year…. Relax! Do a whomp or 2, feel the beat and shake it like there’s no tmrw.