This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
A new assessment of the construction on Broadway Street published in the Journal of Perpetual Urban Suffering confirms that the project is on track to last approximately one million billion more years, give or take a century.
The research team used a combination of vibes-based modeling and “just looking at it” to estimate the project’s remaining lifespan, according to the lead researcher, Jerry Potholer.
“We ran the numbers at least 400 times,” Potholer said. “Every model ended with the same result. The heat death of the universe will occur before Broadway Street has a functioning stretch of road again.”
According to Potholer’s research, construction progress is currently advancing at a rate of 0.0000000003 inches per decade. A color-coded heatmap developed by the team shows that 98% of Broadway Street is classified as permanently torn up.
1.7% is briefly passable before being torn up again and 0.3% is a mysterious pit that no one remembers digging.
Graduate student Seymour Gravel discovered that the construction cones reproduce asexually, doubling in number every 72 hours.
“We believe the cones have achieved sentience. They respond to human presence by multiplying,” Gravel said.
A spokesperson for the City of New Orleans Department of Neverending Road Construction Projects spoke last week during a press conference, insisting that progress is being made.
“We are proud to announce that we have completed phase 0.0001 of 1000 on the Broadway Street construction project.,” the spokesperson said. “Next week, we will begin phase 0.0002, which involves moving the same pile of dirt from phase 0.0001 three feet to the left.”
When asked whether the project would ever end, the spokesperson paused, looked off into the distance, and whispered, “What is ‘end’?”
The research team plans to continue monitoring the site’s progress using seismographs, drone imaging, a freshman with a GoPro and a psychic medium. Their next paper is expected to be published sometime before the next ice age.