This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
This semester, the new pledging season commenced. Over the past three months, first-year pledges have participated in a rigorous initiation process designed to foster brotherhood, improve time-management skills and cultivate proficiency in carrying out orders like an intern looking to be promoted.
Tulane University’s fraternities advertise pledging as an exclusive, challenging process to not only build leadership skills, but also find a community of brothers where one feels they belong.
First-year Ben Dover has found pledging to be an enriching experience. “I’ve really found a sense of community amongst my pledge class. We all get bitched around together…it is kinda fun having to be submissive,” Dover said.
Dover’s favorite task is cleaning his older fraternity brother’s bongs.
“Every morning, I go to his room and drink the bong water from the day before. Then, I make sure it is spotless, rip a bowl, and drink the water again,” Dover said. “Not only is it teaching me how to be meticulous with cleaning, but it’s also keeping me hydrated!”
Another unique task delegated to pledges is making fresh butter. “Every morning, I run around Audubon Park with a bag of heavy cream in my backpack until it is churned into butter,” first-year Hugh Jass said.
“I’m actually so grateful to my brothers. They’re keeping me active…I don’t know what I’d do without them. I’d have way too much time to do my homework,” Jass said, beaming with joy.
Not every fraternity goes about pledging the same way. “I’m in a lower-tier frat. They give me time off to go to my classes,” first-year Phil Latio said, “I definitely feel lucky, especially when my roommate tells me about his day. He’s pledging Touse, and they make him do way worse things. Like, sexual favors and stuff.”
“I guess that’s the price of a Touse bid,” Latio said.
Active fraternity member sophomore Luke Warm commented on the value of pledging season.
“We’re really trying to teach the young ones about responsibility and the value of brotherhood,” he said. “Also, I don’t know how to do my laundry. And I don’t feel like getting my girl Starbucks every morning, but she’ll totally freak without it.”