This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
With yet another unsurprising boil water advisory in New Orleans, Tulane University students have once again been forced to find alternative ways to stay hydrated. With clean water now inconsistently available, students are left to improvise. Thanks to Tulane’s Housing and Minimal Survival Services’ generous offering of approximately two water bottles per resident, they are successfully training students to be prepared for apocalyptic rationing.
In light of the ongoing concerns, Tulane Campus Health has released a list of alternative hydration options for students to consider:
Boot Bomb
Just minutes away from campus lies an efficient hydration option. The small but powerful drink offers a combination of soda that masks any taste of alcohol, providing a sense of hydration accompanied by an unexpected boost in confidence.
PJ’s energy drinks
The ultimate triple-drink thirst quencher delivers maximum refreshment, with minimal understanding of what you are consuming. To avoid the boil water advisory, students may turn to the “Swamp Attack”, “Hurricane” and “Voodoo” energy drinks that may promise future heart issues, but who cares about the ingredients of the energy drink if it’s an alternative to tap water.
The communal Brita filter that has not been changed since last semester
The Brita that has been sitting in the back of your fridge all semester can finally be used! Even if the filter hasn’t been changed since move-in, this decorative object remains a safe and responsible way to continue using the questionable tap water.
Frat “Vat”
Jungle Juice assembled by pledges given a trash bin, Diesel vodka, and flavored powder, is a convenient alternative water intake. It is communal, widely accessible and may contain a few miscellaneous objects from partygoers who mistook the vat for an actual trash can, but still less concerning than whatever is coming out of the tap.
By the time the water gets boiled and deemed safe, most students will have moved on to more immediate solutions, like those listed above.