This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
The Boot Bar and Grill is locally known to attract a younger crowd compared to the typical bar scene. While the bar is mostly frequented by Tulane University first-year students, a recent survey at The Boot showed a younger target audience than expected. expected.
A stratified random sample of boot bouncers was selected and polled, and the results showed most patrons were between 13 and 17 years old, leaning heavily on younger teenagers. The average patron was 14.67 years old.
“We’ve gotten a lot of middle schoolers lately,” bouncer John Walker said. “Honestly, it’s pretty obvious, but I guess someone needs to eat the chicken tenders.”
The poll shows that 43% of patrons are high schoolers. Approximately 32% are between 18 and 20 years old and 19% are over 21 years old. The remaining six percent are under 12 years old.
“You’ll get the occasional parent coming to visit their Tulane or Loyola kid, but for the most part it’s high schoolers and freshies,” Walker said. “We pretty much cap it at 30 [years old]. With that many kids there, we just wanna make sure they’re safe, you know?”
While The Boot’s patrons are known to “vary in age,” the breakdown shows a unique age distribution. The youngest recorded patron was nine years old.
“I don’t actually know how they got in,” bartender Buddy Light said. “They must’ve snuck in with the rest of the high schoolers.”
A few bouncers said the surprising breakdown was a result of confusing fakes and difficult math calculations.
“It’s really hard for some of us to add the eight and carry the two,” Walker said. “If they ask nicely, I usually just let them in.”
One bouncer said he refrains from “making a big deal out of it” if a patron or two lacks proper ID, given The Boot’s unique location in front of the Tulane University Police Department. He said he didn’t want to “kill the mood” by emphasizing a student’s “lack of documentation.”
Compared to nearby 18+ bars, The Boot skews on the younger end of patrons, with less than a quarter of customers able to purchase drinks. The survey shows approximately four under-21 patrons for every one legal consumer.
Given the recent discovery of the Boot’s clientele demographics, workers considered “adding apple juice to the menu” to boost sales. There were also suggestions for adding crop tops to the Boot’s merchandise line.
“We might have to start TikTok dance nights,” Walker said. “The winner will get a NeeDoh and an Owala.”
Following the survey, this Fullabaloo reporter saw her friends inside and proceeded to take seven vodka shots for research purposes, possibly resulting in skewed data collection.