This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Commander’s Palace
Commander’s is a favorite among students and locals alike for celebrations, so why not celebrate your breakup? It’s hard to feel sad eating a warm bowl of turtle soup, especially if it’s during a lively jazz brunch.
This might be the only time you’ve ever complained about good service, since — despite bringing you tissues in record speed — now your server knows the intimate details of your breakup, and is probably halfway to telling everyone in the greater New Orleans area about the tragic meal.
Barracuda
If you are burdened by the financial constraints of the average college student, might I recommend Barracuda? Everyone knows and loves it, so you are guaranteed to have all 15 of your closest friends, your old boss, your freshman year roommate you hate and your best friend celebrating their two-year anniversary there for emotional support. It’s the perfect place to drown your feelings in margarita, queso and a mangonada freeze.
Seafood Boil
You know you’re comfortable in a relationship when you want to be wrist deep in a seafood boil with your significant other. With crawfish season about us, there are few things more romantic than grabbing a couple pounds of crawfish and going to the park — perhaps for a sunset.
Nothing says ideal breakup like having crawfish juices dripping down your hands, and you can have matching tears to drip down your face after your breakup. Enjoy sucking the head because that’s the only thing you’ll be sucking anytime soon.
Taco Bell
Going to Taco Bell probably isn’t a strong start to any kind of date, so maybe a breakup is the best ending to this meal anyways.
Honestly, washing down a Crunchwrap Supreme with a Baja Blast is probably what I would want to be doing after a breakup anyways, so starting at a Taco Bell might be a time saving move.
If you’re into the Mormon wife lifestyle, they have the option to make your drink “dirty” with creamer, so feel free to channel your inner Taylor Frankie Paul. The cherry on top is turning your favorite late-night drunk hangxiety cure into a sob fest of unhappy memories.
Saint Germain
Nothing says romantic like a $250 dinner as your final meal together. After you break up — either at the bar with the bartender closely listening or in the intimate dining room with neighbors who are sure to be eavesdropping — you get to enjoy the remaining hours of this three-hour meal with your soon-to-be ex-partner.
The biggest upside is that you have to pre-pay for the meal and wine pairing if you chose to add it, so at least you won’t have to decide who’s getting the bill — unless your breakup was so bad that your partner now wants to split the $500 check. At least eating one of the best meals of your life will make it a great story once you’re done.