This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

Tulane University’s Moggers Club, an organization that aims to promote looksmaxxing, lowkey hosted a framemogging and bone-smashing competition last Monday in McAlister Auditorium. 

After multiple strenuous rounds of edging, one junior student reached peak sigma aura and died while en route to Tulane Medical Center.

“We lowkey tried to save him, but we realized he was clip farming and we didn’t want to lose more aura so,” Tulane Emergency Medical Services EMT Ballerinah Cappuchino said. “He also lost to Chuzz and got frame-mogged hella by the Rizzler.”

“It was legiterally the most batshit fuckin shit I’ve ever fuckin’ seen,” law student Brayden Peeters said. “RIP ahh, he was a level ten gyatt maxxer from Ohio.”

TU Moggers, lowkeyly known as Chuzz, is a highly selective club that requires multiple rounds of interviews. It announced the campus-wide competition via TikTok, posting goofy ahh lip-sync and Baby Gronk videos to Kevin Gates songs.

67 students competed against Chuzz in McAlister in three rounds of gyatt maxxing, bone-smashing and six-seven motioning. Some described the event as ragebait, while others knew there was a True Adam to be discovered.

“I’ve been preparing for like literally like almost like I wanna say like six to seven months to try and mog Chuzz,” senior Toong Sahur said. “I heard the punishment if I get framemogged is to do a Boot bomb from a Skibbity Toilet. Not sure what that means though.”

Sahur, the ASU frat leader, competed in the first round of gyatt maxxing, where he attempted to mog his opponent, sophomore TU Mogger member Karlie Churk. 

The two stood on stage and flexed their steroid and peptide-pumped bubble butts while the crowd jestermaxxed. To everyone’s big chungus surprise, ASU frat leader was framemogged by Churk while the crowd chanted “Low Tier Normie.”

“I knew since birth I was destined to be a Gigachad, not just a Chadlite, but am S-Tier Gigachad,” Churk said. “Toong Toong Toong Sahur is touse squid ahh.”

The next round was bone-smashing, where junior Drew Skii competed against senior Chuzz member Anita Dique. 

Bone-smashing has recently gained popularity across college campuses and is a way to get ultra-defined cheekbones to looksmaxx by striking facial bone structures with hard objects, like hammers or vibrating electric massagers. 

“The goal is to smash the lateral zygomatic arch to get a wider zygomatic width,” Tulane Medical School osteology doctor Strawberita Stralala said. “It lowkey works though, I tell all my chud patients to consider bonesmashing.”

The round was a close call, but Dique’s cheekbones were slightly more pronounced than Ski’s, marking another win for Chuzz and another loss for chunc. 

“TS was hard,” Dique said. “I am a devoted follower of Wolff’s Law, which says that bones like adapt to how fuckin hard I just smash it so I can just constantly mew. I am touse mogger.”

Skii, a member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity, said that despite his loss, he was excited to be excused from his weekly mandatory fraternity elephant walk due to his injuries from bonesmashing.

“I’ll mog chuzz next year, I bet my bottom dollar on it,” Skii said. “Maybe I can practice on a more touse, legit frat, like Phi Delt, to be better prepared for the next competition. No homo though.”

The last round was a six-seven motioning competition where Tulane President Mike Fitts, a closeted brainrot lover, competed against Moggers Club president, senior Ty Gerwoods. 

Fitts’ six-seven hand movements were so aggressive that they caused a level 6.7 earthquake that was felt all the way to Ohio, locals said.

Nevertheless, Gerwoods’ persisted. He used AI fruit, Love Island and Subway Surfers videos as a strategic distraction to get Fitts off his six-seven rhythm. His devious plan, though, was suddenly interrupted by a phone call, which stopped the videos from playing on the projector.

“I got a call from John Pork, bruh,” Gerwoods said.

Despite the interruption, Gerwoods was able to finish strong and win the ultimate Chuzz mogger Gigachad fanum tax based UwU frame mogging bonesmashing looksmaxxing competition. 

“People thought I was LARPing, but I was just being me,” Gerwoods said. “I knew I could out six-seven Mike Fitts, and I’ve seen his screentime, it’s like 14 hours a day. But mine is 20.”