This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
As America approaches its 250th birthday, we at The Hullabaloo looked through the archives to see how we covered the foundational events of our nation’s history. Here is some of our reporting from the pivotal moments of history.
British to take New Orleans, all hope lost
As British troops marched on New Orleans during the War of 1812, the Hullabaloo continued reporting, though with little faith that future President Andrew Jackson could secure a victory against the British forces.
“It is time to learn English quickly, for the American experiment is finished. Colonel Jackson’s ragtag militia of hicks stands no chance against the elite infantry of his majesty, who will surely annihilate the U.S. forces before pillaging New Orleans and killing us all.”
US troops ended up seizing the Hullabaloo’s printing press for being alarmist. Publication did not resume until 1825.
Who should you support in the Civil War? Our editors break it down.
When the nation descended into conflict, pitting brother against brother and state against state, The Hullabaloo asked the important question, “Who should you support?”
“While the union can claim the moral high ground, and is certain to gain a military advantage thanks to its enormous industry and population, one cannot deny the economic advantages of not paying people.”
The Hullabaloo eventually decided to screw the whole thing and left for the Caribbean, where it operated as a band of pirates until the execution of Editor-in-Chief Francis Marshall by the U.S. Navy in 1872.
Newcomb girls rejoice as all men go to die in war
In 1917, the girls of Newcomb College celebrated as their evil situationships got drafted to fight and die in the muddy, gas-filled trenches of France and Belgium.
“I hope he gets bayonetted,” sophomore Molly Gray said of her situationship, John Bryan. “He’s a rotten fellow and left me on delivery for 3 days.” Since the start of the draft, the Hullabaloo noted a significant increase in “Sapphic activity.”
When the men returned, horrifically shellshocked from the brutal fighting of the European Theater, their former sweethearts ran into their arms, to the dismay of their friends, who thought they could do better.
Atom bomb is f***ing awesome
When President Truman dropped the atomic bombs, the world fundamentally changed. The Hullabaloo, in its journalistic merit, covered the event with the solemnity and respect it deserved.
“Holy s*** that was so f***ing cool. America has harnessed the POWER OF THE SUN and completely destroyed two cities. We are gods, and we must exhibit divine judgment upon those who have wronged us. MOSCOW NEXT.”
While The Hullabaloo became aggressively hawkish, advocating for the use of nuclear weapons in Korea, Vietnam, Russia, China and Ole Miss, cooler heads prevailed, and the U.S. never ended up using a nuclear weapon in anger after the end of WWII.
Bin Laden studying musical theater at Loyola
After the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the global manhunt for the world’s most wanted man began. The Hullabaloo, eager to do its patriotic duty, deployed reporters to Loyola University New Orleans to investigate claims that Al-Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden, was posing as a musical theater major.
“Losama Lin Baden, a musical theater major at Loyola University New Orleans, may in fact be the mastermind behind the September 11 terrorist attacks, a Hullabaloo investigation found. Baden, a junior from Saudi Arabia, enrolled shortly after U.S. forces invaded Afghanistan.”
The article prompted Navy Seals to raid Buddig Hall, where they shot and killed Baden. Information later obtained by the CIA using hummus led authorities to Bin Laden’s real hiding place in Pakistan after Baden’s death.