This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

A new and shockingly Tulane-centric batch of Epstein files was just released by the Department of Justice. Within the four million pages released today, April 1, every single Tulane University professor, in every department, was mentioned — except the history department’s beloved Walter Isaacson. 

According to the files, in June of 2014, six years after his very public conviction, Epstein rented out Tulane’s entire campus to host a suspiciously nondescript party for every professor, quoting a desire to “celebrate our joint achievements,” whatever that means.  

While there is technically no evidence of illegal activity, a secret private party with Epstein doesn’t look that good. But at least they didn’t go to the island — right? 

Emails reveal all professors RSVP’d enthusiastically almost immediately upon receiving the invitation. Isaacson, however, was accidentally removed from the email chain, and never received it. It seems no one informed him of the party either, as he was also missing from the attending guest list.  

“Looking back, I probably wouldn’t have gone,” Isaacson said in an interview with Fullabaloo staff. “But I mean, it’s always nice to be invited.” 

According to a Tulane spokesperson, the Tulane administration had no knowledge of the event.  

“Well, I wasn’t invited either,” the spokesperson said. “So no, I didn’t know about it. I think me and Walter had brunch plans that day.” 

He then sighed wistfully and looked off into the distance while twirling his hair. When asked if this new information would affect the employment of Tulane professors, the spokesperson gave a characteristically vague answer.  

“We’ll be reassessing hiring practices in the near future following these newly released files,” he said. “This is an ongoing process, and we always try to put our best foot forward as an institution.”