This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Bappy is the pinnacle of the Tulane experience. Over my time as the best Uber driver and golfer in the world, I have learned how to tell exactly what kind of person Tulane students are. All I need to do is ask them one simple question: What is your favorite Bappy drink?

You may think that it doesn’t really matter, but even though I’m off of a Perc 30 at the moment, I am sober enough to know that your order matters all too much.

Tequila Sunrise

I hate you. Stay the hell away from me.

You say you can handle your drinks, but you literally act like a child. You need a cherry on your drink to make you feel “young” again, like you’re eating a sundae. 

NEWSFLASH: YOU’RE GRADUATING THIS YEAR.

You only chose it because of the aesthetics, and you approach your life in the exact same manner. You ordered this drink to be perceived as the person others want to hang out with because of your Instagram story, which actually sucks in reality. 

When you actually finish the drink three hours later, it’s warm, melted and separated, just like your plans for the night.

Vodka Red Bull

You operate at a level that medical professionals strongly advise against. 

Why do you do this? At no point will you ever be tired, coherent or emotionally stable. You will say after three drinks that you’re “not that drunk.” But you aren’t even remotely close to making eye contact with the person you’re talking to.

Finally, it’s 3:30 AM. You’re sitting next to someone and mansplaining something that the other person has absolutely zero interest in. They get up and leave. Only then do you for the first time rethink your decisions and say, “I’ll never do that again.”

You proceed to do it all over again the next week.

Tequila Soda with Lime

Honestly, you are probably the mom of your friend group. And I respect that.

You like simplicity and don’t need too much to be happy. However, this makes you feel better than everyone else around you. That trend won’t stop any time soon.

In 15 years, there is a 95% chance you will be a “wine connoisseur,” pretending you know what limestone smells like and what region in France produces grapes with the most tannins. You don’t.

You will describe a $14 bottle as complex and robust when nobody cares. This is just your current personality with better lighting and more money.

Vodka Cran

You have your life together. The problem is that you let everyone know about it.

You take communications and marketing electives just so you have more time to look at Revice and Edikted for clothes you will most likely only wear once. You sit so joyfully in your Parke sweatshirt with a claw clip in your hair just for your professor to cold call on you.

You go to pilates every other day and spend a minimum of $75 per week on smoothies and wellness bowls to say you’re on some sort of cleanse, yet you are the first in line at the patio on Friday like it’s part of your routine. And don’t even get me started on your fixations with Cava and Trader Joe’s.

You claim that this is “balance,” but it’s just discipline with a credit card, a tote bag and a giant Stanley.

Long Island Iced Tea

You’re not here for a good time — you’re here for a fast time.

Because no one pregames Bappy, you decide to order this every time to “make up” for all of the alcohol you could’ve had if there were a pregame. Well, let me say this as a counter: If my grandmother had wheels, she could’ve been a bike.

You have no concept of pacing or having water every once in a while, so you go back to your room, saying you’ll shower, but end up falling asleep. This leads to all of your friends being pissed after you made the plans to go to Fumps later and can’t even show up. 

For your own sake, keep some Advil and Liquid IV nearby the next morning.

Beer (specifically the 3 for $6 deal)

I don’t think that there is a single guy at Tulane who hasn’t ordered this in front of me like it’s their main personality trait. Every time, they order with so much pride because they’re not getting hard liquor, so they don’t get absolutely sauced. 

But first of all, dude, it’s Friday. Get sauced and don’t be ashamed. Secondly, you’re getting three beers for $6. 

“Wait. I’m not drunk. This is cheap. Let’s do another,” you say to yourself after you split the first round with your flip-flop-wearing, pedicure-needing friends. You are so deeply committed to value, not moderation. Stop lying to yourself.

Also, please don’t clap when you finish your beer.