This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Shortly after Tulane University announced that they would demolish the nostalgic neighborhood diner, Ted’s Frostop, to make space for a new dorm, they received some surprising news of their own.
A letter arrived at Gibson Hall Tuesday morning from Chinese Communist Party officials proposing to buy the university’s land and property, with the condition that “Ted’s Frostop” replace all official Tulane signage.
A Chinese student intern in Gibson Hall allegedly mistook the Preservation Resource Center of New Orleans, responsible for maintaining the city’s historic architecture and monuments, with his home, the People’s Republic of China. Coincidentally, they both share the initials of PRC.
This accidentally alerted the great nation of the little diner’s plight.
Li Xiaoju, deputy minister in the Department of Culture and Tourism, received the message and –- worthy representative of the benevolent nation that he is –- took it upon himself to save the restaurant.
Xiaoju, having visited the diner on a trip to the U.S. in his youth, remembers the Double Big Bopper Burger with fondness. “It made me want to reconsider my role in the global economy.”
A deal was shortly put together, wherein the Chinese government offered Michael Fitts $2.8 billion for the university and rights to final approval over commencement speakers.
“While this change represents a bold reimagining of the university, students should expect minimal disruption outside of dining, signage, curriculum and national affiliation,” a spokesperson said.
A number of changes will be put into immediate effect. The stone “Tulane University” sign at the front of campus will be replaced with the iconic illuminated “Ted’s Frostop” logo, written in both English and Chinese. All campus wayfinding maps will now be replaced with laminated Frostop menus, forcing visitors to navigate campus using milkshake flavors as landmarks.
Additionally, the Commons and LBC food options will be almost entirely replaced by Frostop’s traditional offerings; new menu items will include the Peking-Style Bopper Burger, featuring hoisin sauce, pickled onions and probably a sense of mild regret.
It remains unclear whether classes will continue to be offered, or whether all university facilities will be devoted to producing a dining experience commensurate with the glorious nation that now owns them.