This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
The New Orleans Police Department mandated the evacuation of the Maple Street neighborhood residents after confirmation that Flour Moon Bagels called in a bomb threat on Shug’s Bagels.
Tension between these bagel establishments began when Shug’s was first opened last fall. Shugs’s close proximity to Tulane University’s campus resulted in a significant loss of Flour Moon’s student patrons.
“I always go to Shug’s instead, since it’s closer to my off-campus house,” Tulane junior Noah Goldberg said. “And they have the better lox.”
Flour Moon responded to the threat of Shug’s popularity by placing a food truck on Tulane’s academic quad.
The deployment of the truck did not prove successful.
“There’s a Flour Moon truck on campus?” Goldberg asked.
Retaliation became Flour Moon’s next step, escalating matters with a bomb threat to flush out all the students nearby Shugs.
“Grab a bite at the tastiest and safest bagel joint in Nola! We are open until 2 p.m.,” Flour Moon said in an Instagram post, shared shortly after evacuation was mandated.
Vandalism of the Flour Moon campus truck was reported, with spray paint reading, “A DOUGHY DISGRACE.”
This is a developing story and will be updated as more information becomes available.