How to survive finals panic

SC Ogorek, Staff Reporter

Finals suck. There’s no two ways about it. Everyone knows finals week is coming, but when it actually kicks in that this ominous event is indeed impending depends on the individual. Some students have been freaking out since Thanksgiving break, while others choose to delay the inevitable with persistent procrastination. Whether it is five minutes or five days from now, Finals Panic will set in for you whether you like it or not.

You may think that the first step to prepare is studying. Before you hit the books, however, there’s a critical step—acceptance. This step may result in symptoms ranging from migraines to panic attacks to even heart attacks. A 20mg dose of faith and a lot of deep breaths can help.

When and if you finally achieve the first step of acceptance, the studying begins. This may involve heaps of note cards, hella thick binders, and highlighters in every color of the rainbow. A venti coffee drink is recommended, and a prayer doesn’t hurt. It’s important not to relapse, meaning no Netflix marathons. Though closing the tab may feel like an act of betrayal to your beloved “Gossip Girl”, “Breaking Bad” and “Orange is the New Black,” they will understand you need to keep your scholarship. The first day of studying, you’ll tend to approach the material head-on and may even become ambitious and confident in your new-found work ethic. If you’re really determined, you might actually create a study schedule.

The second day, you’ll start out furiously memorizing your notes and repeating vocabulary words, but after an hour you’ll resort to calculating how low your final grade can be to still get an A in the class. In two hours, you’ll rearrange the calculations to get a B. In three hours, you’ll do the same for a C. In four hours, you Google “professions that don’t require a college degree.”

Day three of studying begins, and you’re already dragging your feet to the library. At this stage, even the most stylish among us have been reduced to a sweatpant and slipper ensemble. Don’t forget about the general unspoken understanding among the students to pardon public breakdowns and overlook mismatched shoes. Remember not to judge your friends for acting like a recluse or eating your last microwave mac and cheese after Mac Mart closes—this is perfectly normal. The night before the final, you’ll lay in bed with your back frozen stiff to the mold of the library chair you spent the last week in and realize that, despite your deep-seated exhaustion, your brain won’t shut up. Take two Nyquil, and call us in the morning.

The day of the final, you’ll give yourself a pep talk in the mirror. You’ll grab your pen and your blue book and hurry out of your dorm. On the way to Newcomb, you consider turning around and never coming back, but something inside you draws you to your exam. After two flights of Newcomb stairs, you’re here. This is it. Your professor hands you the stapled paper, you flip it over and begin. Finals Panic disappears, and you nail it. Freedom.