FULLABALOO | Envisioning Club Phirby

Anita Drynk, Peaked In College

The vibes from future Club Phirby penetrate Tulane’s campus. Maggie Pasterz | Photoshop Wench

Tulane University remains a frontrunner in the college party scene across the U.S. Students live and breathe a “work hard, play hard” mentality. With COVID-19 severely hindering Tulane party culture, the administration ought to reconsider its renovation plans for the Irby and Phelps Residence Halls. Rather than better housing, the administration should give the students what they truly desire, a multi-story on-campus night club. 

Parents, fret not. Luckily, Tulane has its own police department well versed in conducting scheduled raids against underage drinking. TUPD Officer Lawren Order explains, “the department received a donation of Dolls Kill outfits and pink cowboy hats to use as disguises. We then loiter around local watering holes and cite students when they least expect it.” These minor-in-possession fines will be of great benefit to the university’s endowment, used primarily for Tulane Athletics swag-bags and souped-up police scooters. 

Given the university’s repeated failure to stop binge drinking, why not just allow students to get drunk while the university profits off of partying? It is truly a win-win situation. Even better, the administration can focus its disciplinary efforts on issues of real concern, like students who bring tupperware into the Commons to steal the food they pay for on their meal plan. These thieves are the true nuisance to the community and they must be brought to justice. This is a plan even the Office of Student Conduct could get behind.

All Tulanians know the best place to party on campus is in a Phirby bathroom. Nothing sets the ambiance for a night out quite like unflattering fluorescent lights, black mold and half-empty bottles of 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner and body wash. Further, Phirby bathrooms are deceptively spacious. Disregarding the fire code’s maximum capacity, these rooms comfortably accommodate twenty people and an unimpressively painted beer pong table with ample room for extracurricular activities.

Although the university claims it has detailed plans for the Irby and Phelps demolition, surely the administration can find a few million dollars in its $145 million budget to renovate these sacred cultural spaces, especially after demolishing the students’ beloved City Diner. Specifically, the university ought to convert all dorm spaces in these buildings into bathrooms to preserve the irreplicable grimey essence of these spaces that breeds festivity among other bacteria and viruses.

While it is expensive to run a nightclub, Tulane could cut costs by serving only bottom shelf liquor, jungle juice and Natural Light. Coincidentally, this happens to be what students consume regularly and is generally a time-efficient and wallet-friendly way to get wasted. Kentwood Springs could also profit by upcharging for vat served out of their water coolers. Finally, Tulane could finally put the Josephine Louise Residence Hall ghosts to work as bouncers. They have lived on campus rent-free for far too long and should start pulling their own weight. Contrary to popular belief, nothing scares students with low-quality fake IDs more than the supernatural.

If the university has the funds to build a $99,000 outdoor classroom and throw a New Orleans style funeral for the decrepit dining hall, surely it can shell out resources for a cost-beneficial project like Club Phirby. This establishment, while not the classiest in the city, would be a wonderful selling point for the university. What parents would not want their barely-18-year-old child to have utter free reign once leaving the nest? Surely they would want their children to succeed in the most important sectors at Tulane: partying and making bad decisions. 

No institution at Tulane represents the university’s values better than Irby and Phelps. The exotic culture of these buildings deserves nothing short of historical recognition and preservation. It would be a travesty to see the hard work of generations of students and feral possums lost in the swoop of a wrecking ball. Found in the rubble would be asbestos and good times long forgotten.

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