FULLABALOO | Fitts’ hidden motive for campus construction revealed: Immortality

Hannah Mayer Fitts, No relation to the other Mike

As more and more construction projects appear to be underway on campus, The Tulane Fullabaloo has ascertained the real reason behind all of these physical changes. President Mike Fitts is using these construction projects for his own personal gain, Mike Strecker, Tulane executive director of public relations, revealed in a secret interview.

“President Fitts is convinced that the moment on-campus construction halts and Tulane is declared ‘complete,’ he will die,” Strecker said. “This is similar to the belief that Sarah Winchester held when she was constructing what is now known as the Winchester mystery house.”

While sources close to him — including his wife, close personal friends and work colleagues — have confirmed his construction plans are linked to his fear of death, Fitts has denied these claims. He has also repeatedly denied that he got the idea from a current plotline on “Riverdale,” the beloved CW drama. 

Another source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Fullabaloo that Fitts’ ongoing construction plans have to do not only with his fear of death, but with his plans to achieve immortality. 

“It is no secret that Fitts has always been haunted by ghosts,” the anonymous source said. “The JoLo ghost specifically really gives him a hard time. He believes that if he builds more and more structures on Tulane’s campus to house these ghosts, he will achieve immortality in doing so.”

While continuous fundraising efforts have allowed for Tulane to continue construction, the funds will run out eventually. In fact, the money the university has allotted for construction could be nearing its end. 

There are a few rumours as to what Fitts will do when the construction money runs out in order to avoid his inevitable death and achieve immortality. Some believe that he will accept a job as the president of another university that will allow him to continue his construction efforts. Others believe that he will sacrifice Strecker for eternal life.

“I would hope that President Fitts would not sacrifice me, as we are colleagues and good friends,” Strecker said. “That being said, if he chooses to do so, I am certain I could defeat him in hand to hand combat.”

It is possible that Fitts will utilize more fundraising efforts through the university to continue funding construction projects. Give Green Day, a day of giving which occurred on March 23, is believed to be a fundraising campaign Fitts will put towards constructing new buildings and changing up the campus even more.

The current construction projects occurring on campus include the construction on Gibson Quadrangle, in Richardson Building, and on Bruff Quadrangle. The construction on Bruff Quad sports the famous TU crane

It is also rumored that Fitts plans to eventually add a crane to every construction site on campus, similar to the crane that lives on the Bruff construction site. It is unclear if this related to his plans for immortality, or just a quirky little thing he wants to do.

Fitts has continually refused to speak to The Fullabaloo or comment on these allegations.