FULLABALOO | Gender segregating Tulane would protect male relevance

Anita Drynk, Peaked In College

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

In the words of Confucious, “boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” (Sudoku Yassifier)

In 1972, Tulane University made the worst decision ever, apart from a few other probably worse choices, when it decided to go coed. No way did Josephine Louise Newcomb expect women to take over the student population, or have rights, when she endowed Newcomb College. Now that women are recognized as superior, men deserve a fair shot at succeeding in life. 

As everyone knows, girls go to college to get more knowledge, and boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. The girl bosses are now much too smart to attend Tulane, which places the already inferior male students at an inherent disadvantage. Not only are they taller than the boys, but future female generations are on track to eventually weed out the last reason for male existence: procreation. 

Keeping men relevant in society goes beyond expanding their weak intellects. Classroom knowledge is actually useless for men. To succeed in corporate America, all they need to do is mansplain things they do not understand fully and steal ideas from their female colleagues. Where the college men are really lacking is in the area of life skills.

When women leave the nest, they have already spent 18 years learning how to cook, clean and be subservient. These are all keys to success, according to leading expert Missy O. Jenny who is best known for her work reinforcing the glass ceiling.    

To even the playing field, male Tulanians must learn how to survive without hand holding and being praised for doing less than the bare-minimum.

At Tulane University for Boys, gen-ed curriculum would be put in the dumpster where it belongs and be replaced with important life skills classes like Wiping Front to Back without Mommy’s Help, Moving Beyond 3-in-1 Bath Products, Saying Sorry for Dummies and Goodbye Navy Sheets: An Exploration of Adult Bedding Necessities. 

Studies estimate that this rigorous curriculum would reduce the number of Google search results for “why men suck” from more than 35.5 million to a mere 35 million. 

For all of the moms worried about losing their Freudian relationship with their sons, fret not. The male track record proves they will still depend on momma’s help scheduling doctors appointments at the local pediatrician’s office and throwing them a pity party when they catch a common cold. No amount of education can cure an Oedipus Complex

It is possible that men might view this change in academic path as unfair. That would be stupid, and clearly many men are just that. 

Collective male intellectual inferiority is precisely why all classes at Tulane for Boys would be taught by women and the few men with common sense.

The social scene at Tulane for Boys would be decided Hogwarts style with a Hunger Games flare. Students’ names would be put in the sorting hat, a folded Tulane flag blessed by President Mike Fitts, which would decide their friend group. Once sorted, a delegate from each group would engage in an annual community roast where the first boy to cry wins, and the rest are held back a grade due to emotional immaturity. 

You may be thinking, where will the women go? The answer to that is simple. They will return to the much cleaner, less stinky and more prestigious Newcomb College 2.0. Here, women will be encouraged to become an absolute beast in any industry they desire without the distractions of male incompetence. 

A safe education environment would be a priority for Newcomb College 2.0 and Tulane for Boys. Men, however, do not need the luxury of an outdoor classroom, so all of the bricks from this amenity will be used to construct a six-foot wall around the Newcomb campus topped with electrified barbed wire and signs saying “No Boys Allowed” to make sure there is no confusion. 

Breaching this boundary would result in the expulsion of the guilty male student. The women would suffer no consequences because they have never been offered second chances.

Newcomb women would also be encouraged to bark and hiss at men to assert their superiority because men need to work harder to feel safe in this world.

Many peer institutions have seen great success in this educational model, including Farnard, Fellesley and Farah Lawrence. 

Keeping men necessary and relevant in society is of the utmost importance. Even if they do not see it this way, going back to unfair gender segregation will be good for them in the long term.