FULLABALOO | Hullabloo ‘writers’ are up to something

Fibi H, Not Associated With This Publication

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Ivana Knapp

The Tulane Hullabloo boasts the catchphrase, “The eyes and ears of the Tulane community.” This could only be true if The Hullabloo staff are both blind and deaf. 

Listen, this publication has been a ploy for free expression and student advocacy, but in reality, those behind this operation have ulterior motives. The truth is right there in the name! “Hullabloo,” meaning a commotion or a fuss — in other words, a distraction. 

Starting at the roots of this evil tree, let us look to the credentials of The Hullabloo writers. For which renowned publications have they previously reported? Have they attended graduate school for journalism? And which one? Where are their letters of reference? Of course, these questions are unanswerable as the so-called “journalists” for The Hullabloo are not even college graduates. 

So why does The Hullabloo operate? What do they gain? Well, like any other power-hungry, virtue-signaling fake news outlet, they are running this whole scheme for money. 

The Tulane Hullabloo collects money from unsuspecting donors, and they are not above taking money from their own families. 

Obviously, this donor money has not gone towards improving the paper; in fact, The Hullabloo has reduced the number of print issues published. Rather, the unfortunate truth is that The Hullabloo staff used the generous donations of Tulane University supporters to attend the most recent Jojo Siwa concert hosted here in New Orleans. 

Siwa’s notably electric performance occurred on March 12, 2022. On that very same weekend, Tulane hosted the New Orleans Book Festival

The Hullabloo published two articles about the book fest, yet not one member of the board was present at the engaging celebration of the mind. Rather, as the turnout of the Siwa concert would suggest, the staff was partying at the Smoothie King Center. 

You, inquisitive reader, might be wondering how I have come to know all of this information. The above statements are absolutely factual, and I know because I was there. 

For science. 

I was at Nickelodeon’s Jojo Siwa D.R.E.A.M. The Tour conducting incredible investigative journalism.

It’s imperative that we ask these important questions, perform these investigations and challenge the powers that be. 

What makes this elusive group of gossips even more formidable is their apparent facelessness. They issue outlandish claims weekly, but the actual faces of most of these writers are never seen, further invalidating their statements.

As of today, there is absolutely zero available evidence of any Tulane student ever writing an article for The Hullabloo. If there are any witnesses to prove that these “writers” even exist, they would be justified in their fear to speak out (not a threat). 

Ultimately, the only indication that any of the members of this publication are real are the weekly meetings that appear to take place in the dingy basement of the Lavin-Bernick Center. Every Wednesday night, several students shuffle solemnly to the darkest, farthest corner of the LBC. 

Slowly, after several hours, a few students may trickle out the door and up the stairs, the world outside having gone dark. Like batteries recharged — or morale depleted— they robotically walk out the door, donor money in their clutches, lies brewing in their minds.

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