FULLABALOO | Tulane to ban administrators from sense of style, dry cleaning, ironing clothes

Brohan Got(nothing)onme, Fake News Slinger

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Courtesy of PxFuel

Tulane University will ban all mid-level and senior administrators from dry cleaning, steaming, ironing their clothing or having anything resembling the slightest sense of style in a move that is designed to promote a “cohesive brand image for front-facing Tulane leadership.”

Reached by carrier pigeon, Sweepy Bellhop, vice president for Student Extramarital Affairs at Tulane, welcomed the move. 

“It requires very little work from my end,” Bellhop said, dribbling ketchup down his shirt. “In fact, I happily anticipate that I will be able to meet this metric and deliver a truly optimized student experience.”

Tulane’s office of Marketing, Communications and Hush-Jobs said the policy change was designed with students first. 

“Our students live, work and play every day in an environment which is oftentimes rank, unkempt, poorly suspended, stained and even biohazardous,” said a university spokesperson.

“As part of our rebranding efforts, it seemed only appropriate that our administrative attire reflect that reality.”

Provost Cardinal Architect and President Mike Fitts were reportedly ecstatic about the move. Outside Gibson Hall, Architect, a noted mathematician, noted that the move could save him tens of dollars a year.

“As it is, I’ve only ever been dry-cleaning my clothes about once a year, whenever our accreditors roll around to New Orleans,” Architect said. 

“People think my role is all about numbers and economies and squeezing the faculty for every penny they’re worth,” he said. “Very few actually know that technically, academics at Tulane is in my portfolio as well. It’s a thankless job, and it’s a relief to know that at least I don’t have to put in all that effort to come to work presentable anymore.”

Fitts, who demanded an enthusiastic “Roll, wave!” before granting entrance to his office, concurred. “I’ve been telling faculty and staff for years that we need to economize. Before this decision, I was sweating through at least seven dress shirts a day!”

“Can you imagine my dry-cleaning bill?!” Fitts said. “It’s hard enough when American Airlines doesn’t respect my Priority checked baggage tags. It’s nice to know that at least the scales are a little bit more balanced.”

But not all administrators welcome the change. Screaming, wracking sobs were heard from the admissions office, and despite strong denials from administrators, witnesses saw Satyajit “Fine, Call Me Satya You Uncultured Fools” Dattagupta, senior vice president for enrollment management, hurling his tailored suits off the roof of Gibson Hall.

Closer to the president, Chief of Staff will.i.am Ferbos reportedly threatened to hand in his notice, until Fitts placated him with a promise of a secret alchemical formula guaranteed to regrow hair. 

Staff were reportedly confused about what “mid-level or senior administrator” meant. Administrators shared at a town hall meeting that the policy change would only apply to employees who made “obscene sums of money, so you all don’t need to worry about that.”

Unfortunately, the administrators who ran the town hall forgot to communicate with faculty and staff that a town hall was being held. At time of printing, it isn’t clear if faculty know, or care, about the new move.

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