This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In a move that has shocked animal research centers nationwide, the Tulane National Primate Research Center has granted a substantial request from a union at the Primate Center. The primates at the Primate Center formed a union called Pranking Humans And Relaxing Triumphantly, known more commonly as PHART. PHART was officially recognized in June 2024, but the union had not yet exercised its negotiation power until now.
Last month, a group of 3,011 union primates, including lemurs, capuchins, gorillas, chimpanzees, rhesus macaques and other monkey species, demanded that the Primate Center provide a recreational space for primate use. The space will not be accessible to humans except for once-weekly maintenance and cleaning.
After just one short round of negotiations, the Primate Center granted the request in a matter of days. The Primate Center then made a move to purchase the former TJ Quill’s location.
A spokes-primate for the union said in a statement that the chimpanzees and spider monkeys negotiated to keep the DJ booth and pool table, which the primates will have full recreational use of during non-workday hours, including weekends and holidays.
Although plans for the existing bar have not been finalized, the capuchins “will be bringing the finest banana liqueurs,” CaPooch III, a founding member of the primate union who spearheaded negotiations, said.
The capuchins have reportedly been running a successful speakeasy called “The Banana Leaf” in a basement storage closet of the Primate Center. CaPooch III says, “The space will be renamed to ‘Nanners,’ which is, of course, an ode to our love for bananas.”
In a poll of 4,791 primates, which represents nearly 98% of primates at the Primate Center, 87% of primates support the new recreational space plan, and 68% say access to the pool tables will improve morale.
The recreational space agreement also includes regular daily shipments of bananas, which means about 600 pounds of bananas will be delivered to Nanners each week, according to CaPooch III.
PHART is said to be highly respected among the human staff of the Primate Center, with reports of some high-level monkeys having full-access keys to Primate Center buildings, unlimited WaveBuck$ for use in the dining hall and cafes and weekly movie nights in laboratory spaces, complete with popcorn and candy.
It is unclear how or when the primates secured these amenities, but data from the Primate Center’s cafeteria reveals that banana shipments have quadrupled since October 2025 to keep up with demand.
One former dining hall worker, Shirley Sinks, recalled an incident when bananas ran out during peak lunch hour.
“They were swinging from the ceiling, hooting and hollering and starting a riot. They were running through the kitchen, ripping the doors off the cabinets until they found some banana bread we were saving for breakfast the next morning,” Sinks said. “I quit after that because those damn monkeys are ruthless.”
Banana pudding is now the most popular dessert offering at all Primate Center dining locations. Before PHART was recognized, menu items with bananas were featured about four times a month on average, but are now featured three times a day on average, reflecting a 2,150% increase.